...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Sunday, October 31, 2004


Dreaming About Dick

Weird...had a dream about Dick last night. He died. It was very real. I woke up glad that it was a dream. In the dream, I called Dick. A man answered. He said that if I was a friend, he'd tell me what had happened to Dick. I said that he'd BETTER tell me (I got annoyed...I didn't like his tone of voice, he seemed kinda arrogant). He proceeded to tell me that while Dick was in South America buying drugs, he was killed. I was stunned...what was Dick doing so far from home? The arrogant voice on the other end of the phone wouldn't tell me any more details. He hung up after abbruptly saying goodbye. In my dream, I came to the conclusion that Dick went on his ill fated mission, in order to buy drugs to sell in the states, to get large sums of $$$ to keep his girlfriend from leaving him. I was sure I was right...what else could it have been? Love and insecurity had driven him though the jungles of South America...to his untimely death. I woke up with a...what the fuck?!...feeling. Like, what crazy place in hell did THOSE thoughts come from?!

The Dream Dictionary says:

You may feel genuine anxiety for that person's well-being. The death may be more symbolic than that as you struggle with the reality of your love for that person as weighed against repressed anger towards them.

Sums it up pretty well for me ; )

Thursday, October 28, 2004


Now You've Done It...

OK, Dick...now you've done it! I truly wanted to keep baseball off of this blog...but you've made that NO LONGER possible! You're not even a real yankee fan. How can you like The Mets AND the yankees?! Answer...you can't! It just isn't done! You only get one team! I didn't make the rules! That's just the way it is!

Today is glorious and nothing you say can make it not so! The Boston Redsox have won The World Series! They did it with a scrappy bunch of guys with more character than I've ever seen in a team before. They will now get to present their championship banner to their fans in Fenway Park on April 11, 2005...& the very BEST part...the yankees will be in the visiting dugout that very same fucking day!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004



First of all that fat broad in the elevator probably suffers from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Hence, she was probably afraid to touch or make eye contact with anyone because she is a mental retard, like my wife SHEILA ZODEL of PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Now what good is a curse if it only lasts 80 something years. If there is a God or a Bambino curse Boston will lose 4 in row, but, I'm afraid Ruth doesn't have that much pull any more. All I know is Boston can win with the Redsox, hell I'll even give 'em the Patriots, but if the Fucking Tree face Kerry wins I'll shoot myself and everyone who else is in the supermarket with me.


I am constantly amazed by people's behavior. Almost every day I find myself
dumbfounded by some stranger's way of being. Today's slightly bizarre incident had to do with a 200 pound (probably more...but I'm not good at guessing these things) woman jamming herself into the corner of an elevator..

When I got on, she immediately hightailed it to the farthest corner she could
find and seemingly trying to fit herself into it (she kinda molded into
it...like Jello).

No idea comes to mind as to what could be a rational explanation for this
fantastically, freakish performance. Is she afraid of people? Could she be
afraid of me?! Intriguing as that thought is...I can't imagine it to be true. As
she cowered in the corner, with a look on her face like she wanted to either cry
or disappear...all five foot nothing of me felt bad for her...but she also gave
me a feeling of power that wasn't half bad.

Sunday, October 24, 2004


Oh Dick...

I thought I'd take a break from the sports obsession I seem to be in the middle of lately (gotta love this time of year). Dick, I have to say...sure...happiness might be being Colin Farrell (I'd say HAVING him...you say being him...not quite the same sentiment...but we ARE on the same page here, no?) but, what the hell could you possibly be complaining about?! Too much 'heavenly' sex with your girlfriend?! Apparently, your girlfriend thinks you ARE Colin Farrell...or at the very least, Colin Farrell-like. Is there such a thing as too much sensual bliss? I know...in my previous post I actually said NO to sex...only two things make that answer come to life more than anything else in life for me; being angry...or being bloated. Honestly, I can think of no other consistent reason for not hedonistically grabbing pleasure whenever I can. OK, I know, marriage has been making me say no to strangers for the past couple of years (what the hell was I thinking?!).

Thursday, October 21, 2004



All I know is that if it were me, I'd of jumped in that shower and would have been a human Loafa sponge, God, does that sound like Bill O'Reily or what?!
As far as the happiness comment all I have to say is "Thank you" because now I know to keep my little boy away from the Irish pedophile. Why is any corny thing a good looking guy says, it's "Oh he's so sweet and intelligent" if it were Danny DeVito who said that there would be some woman out there trying to press charges.
You know what happiness is? Happiness IS being Collin. All the snatch that guy can get...damn. I guess he's had so much now he's looking at little boys.
Things are going great between my lady and I, I am convinced I am the worlds greatest lover. We were talking about this the other night, (not about me being great) about how we never had sex for just 10 minutes. We always take our time and enjoy it. That has never been a problem with us. Plus, I know her body so well I can drive her crazy. I love taking my time and making the moment last. I get off more on her getting off than I do myself getting off, got it? Does that make any sense? I love making her scream and call out God's name and sometimes I half expect to lift my face up from between her legs and see some arc angel floating above the bed. IT'S THAT GOOD!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Naked Hostilities

Had an interesting fight with my dear hubby this morning. He was upset with me for something as trivial as...not picking up the phone fast enough (a major offense, I know). He saw on the caller ID that it was a business contact calling
& I was closer to the phone. I must have hesitated for...oh, I don't
know...maybe a SECOND! Well, to put it lightly, we exchanged some unpleasant words. Then, as only he is able to do, he proceeded to have a perfectly professional & cordial conversation with his business associate.

Was I in a good mood when I stomped off and threw myself into the
shower...um...no, I don't think I was! There I stood, the hottest water I could
endure beating down on me, when, the shower door flew open. A rush of COLD air hit me like wave. Hubby wanted to tell me how his phone call went. Yeah, he can get over his anger THAT fast...I however was still steaming about the whole thing. He actually asked me if I was mad. When I did not answer, he asked if he could join me in the shower. My response shocked him...although it really shouldn't have...all I said was; "Do SOMETHING, you're letting all the cold air in". He left.

Personally, I find it extremely hard to fight with anyone...while you're naked.
You're just so damn vulnerable when you're in your natural state like that.
Actually, in all the years I've been alive, I don't think this issue has ever
come up before.


Monday, October 18, 2004


Happiness is...

I firmly believe in never judging a book by it's cover. I was reading the Sunday paper yesterday and came across this quote from the Irish actor Colin Farrell. While I love his acting (&...as they say in Ireland...he is lovely)...I didn't know he had some beautiful, poetic thoughts in his head:

"I can tell you what I think happiness is. It's the simple things, as cheesy as it sounds. It is watching a mother and a little child passing by as they leave a café, and for some reason you catch the kid's eye, and you turn your head. The child looks at you. And you have a moment with that kid that the kid will never remember, and you will never forget. That's happiness."

Of course this could just be a bullshit line he uses on women (I seriously doubt he needs lines though)...anyway, it would have worked on me.

Friday, October 15, 2004


Dead Cell Phone Connections

Gotta love cell phones, they seem to know just when to lose reception at the worst possible time in a conversation. My last chat with Dick went something like this:

Dick: Now that I've forgiven my girlfriend, the sex has never been better.

Me: Lucky Bastard!

Dick: Our sex life is on fire. I tried this new position...she's on her side
& then I...

The cell phone went dead!!!

Me: Son.Of.A.Bitch!!!



Originally uploaded by Chick.
Last night's journey home from a day in the city (NYC) was not fun. I travel there a couple of days a month for my job. I've got to say...most things about the city...I LOVE. Traffic however...is not one of them. Here I sat...in my car...patiently waiting to travel the couple of thousand feet it would take me to enter The Holland Tunnel (can you see in the photo...how close I was?! A slight turn to the left & I would have been there). After amusing myself for a bit with my trusty digital camera, I was again feeling like a rat stuck in a trap. Everything was closing in around me...there was nowhere to go! Very few things in life aggravate the hell out of me like traffic! The cop directing (...yeah, we'll call it directing) traffic was doing nothing but stopping cars, shouting at people & generally making a bad situation worse. I now knew that nothing I did could possibly save me from the ungodly hell I would have to endure for the seemingly endless future.

To make a long (& kinda whiny) story short...it ended up taking me 40 minutes to travel a half a block to actually get to the damn tunnel. I'm still pissed about it! Mass transit might be the way to go next time...although... then, I'll have to deal with my irrational fear of being stuck on the train, in the tunnel, in the dark. There's got to be an easier way.


Monday, October 11, 2004


Like a Deer Caught in Headlights

Yesterday's trip to the grocery store started out as uneventful as ever. I parked the car, walked into the store...blah, blah, blah! I was sooo bored with myself & the task at hand I could hardly stand it! There I was pushing the cart like it took all the effort in the world (& it felt like it did). I was busy throwing something green onto my cart (broccoli...I think) when someone brushed up against me. (I always find it odd when someone has no regard for your personal space.) When I looked up from my daze, I was confronted by a woman grabbing broccoli...& she was inappropriately close to me...yet she said nothing...but wait...it gets better...here it was...on a quiet Sunday afternoon, & this woman was dressed in the lowest cut, tightest top I have ever seen outside of a strip club (was in one once looking for a boyfriend of a friend...she MADE me go...a story for another time). Anyway, I was mesmerized. What was this woman doing? She was dressed in jeans, flat shoes & a maroon top, perfectly normal attire for a Sunday grocery run...except for the fact that her areolas were partially on display & powerfully close to my arm What could I do? I stood there like a deer caught in (her) headlights! She must be used to the dumbfounded stares she undoubtedly inspires in men & women in her present state of undress. Maybe that's the whole point of her exhibitionism?! Who knows...but I felt compelled to follow her throughout the store & witness the destruction in her path. She didn't seem to be getting any apparent pleasure from the havoc she was causing...but maybe I just didn't see it. I really thought one old man was going to loose it...he looked...looked away...then...same as me, he looked back at her, as if he was in a trance, then he stumbled back against the shelves, she was too much to take in such a setting. No one was prepared for such nakedness in such an everyday setting.

Friday, October 08, 2004


Love Sometimes Sucks

Dick sent me this article about a year ago. I was having a major meltdown. I caught my husband making secret cell phone conversations & lying about it. That's when I started to think he was having an affair. I went quietly insane. I checked his phone to see who the slut was...turns out it was a girl I introduced him to! I felt like a mad, sad, insane lunatic! I actually suggested that he hire her a few months previous to this whole thing! He did...& they really got along well. Great job, Chick...I know! I asked him about it...& he lied. My thought was...if nothing's going on, why lie? His response was...I knew you'd be jealous. What the fuck...?!?! If you're married...& that's your response to ANYTHING...um...maybe there's a problem!

Here's part of the article Dick sent me:

According to some reports, nearly 70 percent of all married men and
60 percent of married women have had affairs (I'm not sure that these #'s are right...I've thought about having an affair...but do I really want to become a statistic?!). That's two out of every three marriages...(here's the part for you, Dick...) and doesn't even count couples in committed relationships who haven't exchanged vows.

Want to avoid becoming a statistic? Try our tips...and behave yourself.

Keep Boundaries

Good fences make good neighbors, as the saying goes, and if you or
your partner is a little too tempted to, well, sneak into the yard next
door, you need to put up some boundaries. That means not spending too much time with someone who tempts you or is inappropriately flirty (tell me...where's the fun in THAT?!).

Demonstrate Trust

Show your partner you're on the up and up by inviting them along when you go somewhere, or by sharing more information about your buddies, coworkers or other folks you spend a lot of time with, (should I tell him what I know about Dick & his anal loving girlfriend?! Think he'd be happy that Dick & I discuss these things?!) and require the same from them. That gorgeous hottie you see every night at the gym will look a little less attractive if you keep it from developing into a secret crush (I don't agree...why do I go to the gym anyway...if it's not to look at the occasional hottie...then why?!).

The article goes on to say things about communication & keeping the home fire's burning...but when you think someone may be cheating on you, thoughts might drift to other things. In my case...violence would have made me feel better...also...I'd have felt better for awhile if I had a nice little secret fling...but I couldn't do either. Love sometimes sucks.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


An important lesson for all of us

Yes she did cheat on me. Did she kiss him? NO, Did she suck his grey, hairy balls? NO. But yes she cheated, a weak moment she decided to have dinner with some a-hole. Why? Good question, one I haven't stopped asking myself or her. Did she realize just by one stupid lapse in judgment she could totally FUCK up her whole life? As it turns out right now she doesn't have a checking account bcs I closed it, I changed her phone #, and I would have taken her ride for a long time.
What stopped me? Why didn't I bitch slap her to the curb? After all I'm "Dick". Let me try to explain my thought process. I was able to talk to the a-hole and he did tell me after a few heated exchanges that she was a sweet girl and nothing happened, for some strange reason I believe him. I think it has part to do with a male bonding thing, he could have said anything he wanted, he did her in the ass, she blew him in my car, but he didn't, he said nothing happened. He also said he'd been in the same boat and he knew how I felt, and he did tell me he had no idea about me. Does all this hurt? Like someone twisting a knife in my fucking soul. Can I try to see that she is human and being such, we all fuck up? Can I try to be a bigger human and forgive her? Or do I want to live with hatred in my heart in my new, cold, dark, bachelor pad?
I'm taking a chance, a big chance. I'm going to try to believe in all her new promises. I'm going to try to turn this negative into a positive, because, by seeing her weakness and forgiving her she has seen a greatness in me. Isn't it a great feeling to be forgiving? And by doing so I'm hoping we grow closer together by this, I could be vengeful but I'm tired of doing that with my cunt wife. So now I'm taking the high road, and besides as George Castansa would say "I got hand".

Monday, October 04, 2004


Eat Your Words!

OK...just talked to Dick. He says that he is going to try to work it out with his girlfriend. He found out that she cheated on him Friday, spent all weekend fighting with her and packing his things to move out. Now he says they will try to make a go of it. This from a man who has been telling me to leave my husband for the past year because I suspect that he's having an emotional affair with a girl he works with. All I said to Dick was, "Eat your words, buddy...EAT 'EM, EAT 'EM, 'EAT 'EM!!!"

Sunday, October 03, 2004


She's an Ankle!

Dick just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him on Friday. I am sad & mad. She's throwing away a good thing with Dick...but maybe she doesn't deserve it! What kind of a self serving slut moves in with a guy...then almost immediately cheats on him? What the fuck is the point in that? Is she out there looking for something 'better'? Someone to take care of her financially? Well, there's a price to pay for that...& I know I couldn't pay it...go ahead bitch, sell your soul for $$$...thoughts of burning in hell dance through my mind! You hurt a friend of mine (he won't admit to being hurt...but I don't believe him) & I'd like to see you hurt. While I'm not in touch with my college friends who used to rough people up for me (ok, they only did it once for me...to a real jerk who spread rumors about me 'cause I wouldn't fuck him)...the internet is a wonderful resource for finding people!

I was on lowbrow & someone wrote about calling women ankles. When asked what that meant...he replied...that's about 2 feet lower than a cunt! That's what this girl is...& I HATE that word! The Power of the 'C' Word

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