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...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

 

The ABC's of My Week...so far

  • Angels & Demons. The great book that I’m in the middle of reading.

  • Belgium. My friend is coming in from Belgium tonight to see me...so exciting.

  • Cashmere. Received a luxuriously beautiful sweater for Christmas.

  • Diamond. I lost my diamond earring this weekend. (There will be hell to pay).

  • E-mail. Got an e-mail today from an ex-boyfriend. (The stalker...should I be worried?!).

  • Football. I won the football pool this week, with eleven wins. (Yay).

  • Giants. Hubby's team. They lost yet another one.

  • Horoscope. Mine says that I’ll be in touch with my emotions today (we’ll fucking see...).

  • Itch. Last night I had a dream that I had an itch I couldn’t scratch (my skin’s still crawling).

  • Jam. What I dripped on my blouse this morning & had to change.

  • Kate Spade. The designer who creates the shoes & bags I’d do almost anything to possess.

  • Late. I was late to work this morning. (It had something to do with having to change my sticky blouse at the last minute).

  • Mellow. My wish for the day. But Wed. is usually a busy day for me...so “M” might turn out to be for manic.

  • None. Number of times I’ve had sex this week...so far.

  • Orgasm. Come on...what else could “O” possibly be? Had one this weekend (thank you, me).

  • Poopy head. The name my six year old neighbor called me (gotta love that kid).

  • Quarter. The same neighbor kid threw a quarter at me. (that’s gonna leave a mark).

  • Red wine. My drink of choice this weekend.

  • Steelers. My team that keeps on winning.

  • Twelve. The number of blocks I walked, in the cold, to window shop for shoes (pathetic...I know).

  • Underwear. At least I have nice underwear on today. (see below).

  • Velvet. Damn, these stupid velvet pants I’m wearing today. (They’re developing a tear in the backside, that’s getting ever bigger as the day goes on!)

  • Wind. I’m starting to feel the wind on my ass through the tear in my pants!

  • Xenophopia- A mortal fear of being anally penetrated by extra- terrestrials. (I didn’t make that up! I needed an “X”...it was the only word that came to mind).

  • Yogurt. My planned feast for lunch (unless I get a better offer).

  • Zero. The exact number of times I’ve had anal sex...ever!


  • I got the idea for this from Tim...but I don't see his list posted anywhere anymore.
     

    Dick's Back?

    You're back, Dick? Are ya sticking around for a while?

    Tuesday, December 28, 2004

     

    Alive and well...

    Merry Christmas everyone, to all my fans out there.


    dick 8====o~

    Monday, December 27, 2004

     
    Here's the new me...according to Quizilla.

    ...apparently, I cut my newly dyed blonde hair, put blue contacts in, linked arms with some total strangers and somehow gained a new perspective along the way.


    open
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    Your World: What is your world made of? [girls]

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Thursday, December 23, 2004

     
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    Tuesday, December 21, 2004

     

    Itchy...

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    It's starting to get awfully cold around here lately. This is the second day
    in a row that I've worn a turtleneck. Today's sweater is coming dangerously
    close to smothering me. It seems to be closing in on me & I'm having trouble
    breathing. It's also making me itch. I looked at the label & there is about
    .03% wool in the material of the damn thing. I don't know about you...
    but just looking at wool makes me itch. By the end of the day, my skin
    will be rubbed raw. At least my commute home will be quicker than
    normal...because I'll race home to take the most irritating article
    of clothing I've ever worn off.

    Seriously...what's worse than being...itchy?
     

    Graceful?

    I had that...I have to sneeze feeling, all day today.
    You know, when you have an urge to...but can't quite get it out...
    but it's right there on the surface ready to explode at any minute.
    So unnerving.

    The sneeze decided to blast itself out of me when I was just getting
    up to speed on the treadmill at the gym. Now, I'm uncoordinated enough,
    without things like this happening to throw me off. The sneeze took me by
    surprise & with such sudden force, that my head flew down & hit the front
    of the treadmill...which caused me to drop my locker key, which I then tripped
    over. I lost my flimsy grip on balance & went flying off the back of the treadmill
    like a bullet. By some miracle...I actually landed on my feet.
    I'm still trying to figure out how I didn't land on my ass
    in a big, ungraceful mess.

    Luckily, only one other person witnessed this spectacular act of clumsiness.
    He promptly gave me a lovely round of applause...when he stopped laughing.
    He was laughing with me...not at me...right?

    Monday, December 20, 2004

     

    Red Dress

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    Remember that nothing is as sexy as the truth,
    the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
    especially if you tell it while you're wearing
    a perfect red dress....


    I Wish I Had a Red Dress by Pearl Cleage

    I seriously think I need to buy this dress...

    Friday, December 17, 2004

     

    What the hell does that mean?

    I met a philosopher in a bar the other night. I was waiting for my terminally late friend to show up when...AK parked his butt on a barstool next to mine.

    He had a killer opening line...it went something like..."You're not the kind of
    girl I usually see sitting all alone at a bar"...I stared at him blankly...what
    could I say? Instead of saying..."what the hell does that mean?" I decided to
    give him the benefit of the doubt...I was in the mood for a good chat & he
    seemed willing to listen to me babble.

    He was absentmindedly twisting his wedding ring...he told me he was married to a good woman...but he still felt the need to go out most nights without her.

    Here's where I tell this stranger all the blah, blah...facts of my situation...being
    married & needing things that I'm not currently receiving...(damn my late
    friend...I can be very chatty when I've been drinking).

    AK: Respectfully, I ask...from your heart...do you feel you've taken care of him
    the way a wife should care for her man...? (Respectfully...my ass...there's no
    respectful way to ask if you're servicing your husband to his liking...is
    there?!) I want you to know that a woman holds the key to happiness in 99% of
    relationships. Do you feel you can seek out & give your husband what he needs,
    or is it never going to happen? If so, the road is clear. If not, perhaps it's
    best to move on & begin again, inspite of the pain you'll feel... sorry for the
    unsolicited (drunken) advise.

    Me: the question of...did I do all I should have for my husband...I can honestly
    say I'm doing my best. Why do you think that is?...women controlling happiness?

    AK: Because men are much less complex. We're happy to have our partner's
    approval, appreciation, & acceptance...but you can tell us we're loved a
    thousand times a day & it doesn't get through...we're primitive in that regard &
    must feel love from our partner...through the affection, her hunger, her
    willingness to ensure we feel it intimately.
    ...Then, we'll pretty much paint your house, care for your kids, & swim thru
    sharks to make you happy...and the woman who is wiling to put forth the energy
    & respect for what I'm explaining...will likely have a loyal & happy partner.
    But it seems very hard for a woman to maintain.

    Me: I always find it interesting to know what men are thinking...really...

    AK: Then you are lucky because that curiosity will likely serve you well.

    Me: I hope so.
    ...& I know you are not talking solely about sex...right?

    AK: Not entirely...

    Sex is how men are assured of your love, acceptance & appreciation - - but there
    are many more ways a woman can be nice, be happy & get her partner to do
    anything she really needs from him...happily.

    You just have to remember to nurture those 3-"A's" and when the time is right,
    seal it with sex.

    Me: appreciation, acceptance...& what?
    (here's where I'm hoping the 3rd "A" is not anal)

    AK:...affection.

    Me: (whew!)

    Wednesday, December 15, 2004

     

    I Kissed a Girl

    Genny came over and told me about Brad
    He's such a hairy behemoth she said
    And dumb as a box of hammers
    But he's such a handsome guy
    And I opened up and told her about Larry
    And yesterday how he asked me to marry
    I'm not giving him an answer yet
    I think I can do better

    CHORUS:
    So we laughed, compared notes
    We had a drink, we had a smoke
    She took off her overcoat
    I kissed a girl
    I kissed a girl

    So she called home to say she'd be late
    He said, he worried but now he'd feel safe
    I'm glad you're with your girlfriend,
    Tell her "Hi" for me
    So I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
    But it only lasted a little while
    And then I felt your hand upon my knee

    CHORUS:
    And we laughed at the world
    They can have their diamonds
    And we'll have our pearls
    I kissed a girl
    I kissed a girl

    I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
    She was just like kissing me
    I kissed a girl, won't change the world
    But I'm so glad
    I kissed a girl

    (GUITAR SOLO)

    And we laughed at the world
    They can have their diamonds
    And we'll have our pearls
    I kissed a girl (for the first time)
    I kissed a girl (and I may do it again)
    I kissed a girl
    I kissed a girl

    I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
    She was just like kissing me (but better)
    I kissed a girl

    I kissed a girl, won't change the world
    But I'm so glad
    I kissed a girl (for the first time)
    I kissed a girl (won't be the last time)
    I kissed a girl
    I kissed a girl

    Thanks to Cate, who commented on yesterday's post
    & reminded me of this song...I love it!
    It makes me smile...just thinking about it.



    Tuesday, December 14, 2004

     

    ...then she kissed me

    Years ago, in a previous job, I had a fun manager. Her personality ran
    hot & cold...but on her good days...she was too much fun. Yesterday’s post
    reminded me of the time she was scheduled to do a presentation at a design
    agency in the city. I was going to go with her, but only in a support role,
    to answer questions & help out. On the way into the city, she springs
    it on me...that she thinks I should give the presentation. Not a nice thing to do
    to a girl who’s prone to FREAK OUT about these type of things. To make a long
    story short...after I lost my shoe walking up to give the presentation...
    all went well & we went out to celebrate & let off steam afterwards.
    While sitting at the bar, she told me I did a kick ass job...
    ...then she kissed me...
    and there was tongue...& I was shocked. I sort of think
    she did it for the shock value. Hey, that was ok with me...she looked like
    Julia Roberts...minus the oversized mouth. I sat there for a few seconds
    completely unable to do anything...my mind was racing.
    That’s when some idiot guy hit on her in an unwelcome way...
    & the moment was lost forever. Like I said...she ran hot & cold
    (so she was pissed for the rest of the night). If you ask me,
    she had some problems handling her emotions. Anyway, that was one of my
    “woulda, coulda, shoulda” almost lesbian moments.

    Monday, December 13, 2004

     

    A Perfect Ass

    I saw an incredibly beautiful ass this morning...& it belonged to a girl.
    (Trust me when I tell you...I’m not a lesbian. I’ve had a handful of
    opportunities to experiment on the girlie side of things...& haven’t yet.
    Who knows, maybe the planets have to be in perfect alignment for me to be
    that adventurous.) I walked into the dressing room after working out.
    I turned the corner & there it was. A perfect ass in a thong.
    Most of the women I see wearing thongs...to put it in the kindest
    possible way...SHOULD NOT even entertain the idea of slipping their flabby
    asses into this unforgiving garment. But this girl had the right idea...
    she had no visible panty lines AND she got to show off her best asset.

    Friday, December 10, 2004

     
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    Love it or hate it? I think I love it. This artist has pulled me in.
    It's kind of cold & graphic...but I mean that in a positive way.

    Thursday, December 09, 2004

     

    Never judge a book by it's cover...

    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
    but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is"
    - Barbara Bush

    If Babs actually said that...& I think she did...she's one cool, white haired old lady!

    Wednesday, December 08, 2004

     

    Princess & the Tree


    Tree
    Originally uploaded by Chick.
    This weekend...once again...I braved the elements in order to find the perfect Christmas tree. I decided to do it in style this year. I looked sort of like...the snow princess in black jeans. That wasn't really the look I was going for...but...none the less, that's what my friend called me. If I knew that's the reaction I'd get, I would have topped it all off with a tiara (doesn't every girl have one?).

    I wouldn't turn around...so my friend snuck up behind me & took this picture. It didn't even occur to me to wear a thong...but as you can see...I should have considered it.

    Tuesday, December 07, 2004

     

    Secret Garden

    She'll let you in her house
    If you come knockin' late at night
    She'll let you in her mouth
    If the words you say are right
    If you pay the price
    She'll let you deep inside
    But there's a secret garden she hides

    She'll let you in her car
    To go drivin' 'round
    She'll let you into the parts of herself
    That'll bring you down
    She'll let you in her heart
    If you got a hammer and a vise
    But into her secret garden, don't think twice

    You've gone a million miles
    How far'd you get
    To that place where you can't remember
    And you can't forget

    She'll lead you down a path
    There'll be tenderness in the air
    She'll let you come just far enough
    So you know she's really there
    And she'll look at you and smile
    And her eyes will say

    She's got a secret garden
    Where everything you want
    Where everything you need
    Will always stay...


    ~Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen

    Is this right...or just a romanticized view ? (I'm a sucker for those.)
    If the words you say are right...if you pay the price...she'll let you deep inside
    ...I love those lines...maybe too much.

    Monday, December 06, 2004

     

    Mondays Suck

    So...I walk into work this morning, totally unaware that my coworker
    is wearing the exact same dress sweater dress today. It's the same coral pink
    color & everything. A couple of things set us apart. My dress is a petite
    (that's a kind way of saying...they chopped a half a mile of material off
    the bottom, so it won't drag on the floor when I wear it). Her dress is one of
    those willowy sizes (you know...extra tall & leggy). I'm wearing my funky black
    boots with no heel at all. She's complimenting the dress with thigh high boots with a 4" heel. I would have worn mine too...but since I wasn't going
    to a hooker convention, it hardly seemed appropriate.

    It might seem like I'm just a little bit jealous...but really...I'm not.
    Even so, I may stay in my office with the door closed for a large part of the day.
    We just look silly walking around in the same damn dress
    as if we are deranged bridesmaids.

    Thursday, December 02, 2004

     

    If I were you...

    I'd be at home fondling my plumb breasts all the time.

    Dick 8====o~
     

    New Log In for Chick

    Don't take this the wrong way, Dick...but I've just created my own log in.
    Now I'll post as CHICK...just to be sure you can NEVER post as me again.
    I should have done this LONG ago!

    ...I still love ya (but I don't want you...to be me).
     

    Dick...DON'T POST AS ME!!!!

    Well...Dick just did it...he posted as ME...He wrote a post saying how
    I wanted him...so I had absolutely NO choice...but to DELETE it!
    That was MEAN! He also wrote something about my
    'big, plump breasts'...some compliment...thanks alot fucker: (

    I ONLY said I'd do him anally, with a strap on...because he did a big work
    related favor for me (& I thought it was funny that his girlfriend
    used to do that to her ex husband). Lots of silly anal related e-mails
    were sent between us...yeah...it was funny...but Dick...
    if you EVER post as me again...I'm going to shove
    (& not in a kind way) something quite large up your asshole
    ...how would you like that?!
    ~Chick

    Wednesday, December 01, 2004

     

    Hold the phone...

    I NEVER said they'd be romantic, plus, I had already bought the crotchless ones. I might have said I had a romantic night, candles, music, wine, and easy access, but I never indicated the the underwear themselves were romantic. This is what happens when you talk to chick she hears, "Blah blah blah crotchless blah blah blah blah romantic blah blah..."
    Oh and by the way world Chick said she would do me in the ass with a strap on, it is all a ploy on my part just to get her in bed. I'll complain like I'm too nervous and maybe if you could just hold me a little and before you know it I'll be making her panties crotchless by eating my way through. That's what I'm talkn' 'bout.
    I also was writing down the list of people I have had sex with and to me it's a surprisingly low number. I really thought I had made a lot more women happy. It seems right now I'm up to 19. 3 virgins, all white. 2 of their names I can't even remember and mostly all their last names I forgot. I want chick to be my 20TH, a special event if you ask me. Plus, I know her name.

    So people how many have you had??

    Dick 8====o~
     

    #@*!ing Romantic?!

    So...I asked Dick what he was getting for his girlfriend for Christmas.
    He said he was thinking about getting her some crotchless panties.
    He thought that might be romantic...(I'm still laughing...wait a minute...
    I'm ok now...). Maybe I'm just being a girl about this...but...crotchless panties
    are alot of things to alot of people...but... ROMANTIC?!
    Nah...that would not be the word I'd use.
    ~Chick

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