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...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Thursday, March 31, 2005

 

Shameless Flirting (Part 2)

About that shameless flirting...that I mentioned yesterday....
like I said, BG had kindly brought me to a party where I knew exactly
zero people...& left me almost immediately. He mumbled something
about going to the bar to get us a drink...then he saw is friend Shitpants
(I don’t think I caught his name) & started BSing with him...
without even an intro to the idiot bunny (me) standing next to
his Robin clad ass. Next thing I know, the tights wearing freak is gone.

I stood there for what seemed like hours. I considered all my options.
I could walk the ten or so miles home (in a bunny suit with a faulty trap door?).
I could call a cab & cry on the cabby’s shoulder about my insensitive boyfriend.
As I was thinking I’d take option number 2, I felt someone take my hand.
I instantly forgave BG...he hadn’t cruelly left me standing there at all...
but when I looked up into the face of the person whose hand I was holding,
it wasn’t BG. It was his older brother who I had previously met
for all of 3 or 4 minutes.

BG’s older brother was dressed as a cowboy. BG’s older brother looked gooood
as a cowboy. Maybe the fact that he was rescuing me from a night of distress
& gloom made him look even more attractive to me? Yep, that’s my theory
(& I’m sticking to it). My new cowboy cutie said that sometimes his brother
could be a bit of an asshole. When I didn’t disagree, he went on to tell
me some embarrassing stories about BG’s childhood. I was delighted.
Make fun of the person causing me pain...just when I need it...& I’ll love you
forever. I started having a great time. It certainly didn’t hurt that the cowboy
kept my glass full.

By the time BG graced us with his presence, about an hour & a half had slid by.
He found us in a corner booth laughing too loud & pounding the table
(I still can’t explain that).

BG didn’t look pleased. This made him angry?! He would have preferred
that I sit at the bar & be miserable & alone...he did not want me to have
a rip roaring good time with his brother? It still makes me want to smack him!
At the time, I didn’t smack him...I pinched his tights (remember? he was
dressed as Robin). I pulled his tights out & let them SMACK back into his skin.
Cowboy & I laughed till our ribs hurt & BG sulked away
...which of course made it all the more...well...funny.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

 

Shameless Flirting...Good for The Soul

I feel the need to dedicate a post to....shameless flirting.
Because it’s the shit & it’s totally not what Slutfuck is doing.
Shameless flirting is done...shamelessly...that means...no guilt & no...hiding.
Shameless flirting would be done right out there, in front of my face,
that way I could clearly see her intentions & either have fun with them....
or rip her a new one...the choice should be mine to make, in my opinion.

Pink (for some reason...the Blogger bitch won't let me link to you...
I'll try again later...& fuck you Blogger!) reminded me that,
”Shameless flirting is good for the soul,” & Cate (Blogger!!! fuck, I can't
link to you either!) thinks I’d ruin her fun if I wasn’t a fan
(of shameless flirting). Well, I am...oh yeah, I’m a fan alright.

Reminds me of the time I went to a Halloween party with The Big Goof
(Dick calls him that, anyway). He’s an old boyfriend who had the habit
of taking me places...then wandering off (usually leaving me in the midst
of strangers...yay). That’s not a smart thing to do to a Chick.
Alcohol + shyness + strangers= deadly combo for this Chick.

On this particular occasion, we were dressed as...wait...I’m laughing...
he was dressed as Robin (as in Batman & Robin...tights & all...
can you stand it?) & I was dressed as a bunny. A cutesy bunny,
not a playmate. I actually wore (out in public) blue...feetie pajamas...
with a trap door on the ass.

We get to this shindig & BG promptly leaves his bunny standing there
in her big ears & cotton tail. Lucky for me, BG had an awesomely cute brother
who came to my rescue. He was dressed as a cowboy & on that day,
Chick in a bunny suit + cute cowboy brother = major shameless flirting.

Details to come tomorrow...
 

private dick

Ok. first it's 3:30 am I'm finally done with work and I'm ready to leave, but I wanted to post something about slutfuck. Let's forget what she looks like because frankly it doesn't all come down to looks with guys. It's a big part but not the whole story. In fact Chicks hubby may like her only because she isn't Chick. Someone different. Now none of us are dead, we all look and flirt, but I think there's definitely more to this slutfuck then meets the eye...
If hubby is totally clean, like Koochie suggested, he should explain everything. I've seen enough Maury Povich shows to know a fucking guy will lie about a girl until you show him the fucking film footage you have. My advice to Chick catch the fucking asshole on tape, have someone tail his ass to the gym, work, when he takes a shit. It's too fucking easy to cheat these days, e-mail, phone, im'ing..he's being sneaky and we need to nail him and then upload the video to the web so we can all mock him...Oh.. and we'll be there for you to Chick, I have two big broad shoulders just waiting for you.
If none of this sounds like the path you want to take then I think you should get back at him by fucking me, I'm not going to look at it as sex..per say..just as you are using me as a tool for retribution. I will do that for you.

Dick
8====o~

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

 

Regarding Slutfuck

Hubby & were trying to out run each other on parallel treadmills at his gym
this weekend. All of a sudden, this nice older man walked in & said to me,
“did you find your key?” I say back to him, “wha?”. I didn’t even get the ‘t’ out,
when Hubby says, "oh, that was my friend, Slutfuck”...(OK, that’s just what
I call her, you’d call her that too...if she kept calling your spouse
incessantly...even though you asked her to turn it down a notch).
Hubby scrambled out an, “this is my wife, Chick.” Nice older man (nom) said,
“Oops, sorry for the mistake, am I in trouble now?” “Nope,” I say, “but he is”
(pointing to Hubby, who finds none of this funny). Nom blurts out a,
“sorry, man” & walks away.

Yeah, I was kind of pissed that Hubby lied by omission about Slutfuck being
at the gym with him. He says that there’s nothing to tell regarding her
(hmmm...why is he ‘regarding her’ anyway?). This is an ongoing issue
in our marriage & I wish he would just put it all out there on the table
& be done with it...but that ain’t happening...yet.

What really freaked me out about the whole thing this weekend was...
being mistaken for Slutfuck. (Yeah, Nom was wearing THICK
glasses & was more or less legally blind...but still). Slutfuck is a good 5” taller
than me, she’s got dark hair & a ginormous ass. In my defense,
I was not looking my best. I had my hair stuffed under a baseball cap
& a sweatshirt tied around my waist.
Apparently, this made me look like a slutfuck ho with a 40 pound ass.

...not really the effect I was going for...

Monday, March 28, 2005

 

Lost?

A little before Dick locked his keys in his car on Saturday, I sent him
a text message. Something innocent like “Happy Easter & happy birthday
to your son”. I was driving alone in my car & got no immediate response
from Dick & I was bored. I started thinking of the little treat I had just ordered
for myself (it was highly recommended to me...so I had to have it).
I was hoping it would be on my doorstep when I got home. Just the thought
of it made me tingle. How could a little piece of plastic do so much?
I wondered. I began making a mental list of all the possible uses I could have
for the “sexy little package” (that’s what they called it in the ad). I was curious
as to what “sensual metallic lilac” actually looked like. What do “flicker
ticklers” do..what don’t they do? All the possibilities were swirling through my
head as I was doing 80 down the highway.

Then, the phone ran. It was Dick. He was in a toy store looking for a gift
for his son. I told him that he was catching me in the middle of some erotic
mind stimulation (honesty IS the best policy, no?...but that's not exactly
how I put it). I don’t think he believed me...’cause he continued to ask
for advice on what do get his son.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

 

ADD not just for kids anymore...

Ok.. I have my head up my ass lately and I'm not enjoying the view. I went to Toys R Us for my boy's bday tomorrow. I went inside spent about a half hour having no fucking idea what to get him, Chick tried to help, which was nice. A hundred bucks later I left the store with 3 things that I could fit in my coat pocket, (boy, I bet he's going to have fun unwrapping all his gifts). So I walk out to my car to find I locked my keys in it, yeah, I guess other people have done that no biggie, oh but, one more thing the fucking car is still running. I'm just surprised I put the car in Park before I got out. How the fuck can I pull into a parking spot leave my car running and not notice? Fortunately for me my GF was local and drove over with her spare key. What a putz. Which reminds me of another time where I couldn't find my keys, had to borrow the same spare from my GF. So while driving 60 MPH taken my son to school, I keep hearing this clicking noise, I look in the passenger side mirror and see my keys dangling from the lock. Yup, not a pretty sight inside my buttocks. I need a vacation, maybe somewhere south...

Ok in the spirit of Easter, I compiled a list of porn you can go out to rent instead of watching the Ten Commandments, here goes.
Good Bill Humping
Glad-He-Ate-Her (Gladiator)
Stella got her fudge packed
Screwing Miss Daisy
Schindler's Fist
Night of the Giving Head
Snatch Adams
A beautiful behind
Black Cock Down
My favorite...A.I.: Anal Insertion
In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
Mr. Holland's Orifice
Splendor in the Ass
What Licks Beneath
Thighs Wide Open
Missionary Position: Impossible
When Harry Wet Sally
Lawrence of Alabia
On Golden Blond
Sorest Rump or Forrest Hump
Shaving Ryan's Privates
you've got tail
The Loin King
An Officer in a Gentleman
Inspect Her Gadgets
Remember the Tight Ends
The Porn Identity
Lord of the G-Strings
and for Cate, Willy put his Wonka in the Chocolate Factory
A Rear and Pleasant Danger
Titty Slickers and Titty Slickers 2: The Search for the Golden Curly
King Dong
Done in 60 Seconds
There's Something Inside Mary
Crocodile Done Me
What About Boob?
T.W.A.T.
Bend Her Over Like Beckham
Throbbin' Hood

Enjoy!!

Dick 8====o~

Friday, March 25, 2005

 

Words

What word or words do you just love?

Spumoni...just say it & you'll know why.

What word or words make you want to tear your hair
& run up and down the street with your fingers in your ears going
"Lalalalalalalala"?


Nude. Oh, how I hate this word. Nude. It’s a lecherous, leering word
& I mean that in a bad (hey, that’s your sister, you shouldn’t be thinking
about doing those things to her) kind of way.

What words do people commonly misuse that make you mad/crazy?

Irregardless (not even a word!)

What's the prettiest word you know?

Lovely. As in, isn’t Dick lovely in his new silk panties?!

What word sounds like what it means?

Cunnilungus. Don’t you agree? It just...does.

After all, 2005 has been officially chosen to honor the ancient practice,
according to The Love Goddess, Theresa...& we thank her for that.

What words soothe you?
Silk, velvet, tangerine (?!), sigh, soft, shiver, moan...


Brought to you by CheddarX


Thursday, March 24, 2005

 

OOPs

I think I may have forgot to mention some other blogs that are fantastic, one especially comes to mind, supervelma.blogspot.com. This girl Cate is one funny lady, and not to mention pretty, damn! She makes Paris Hilton look like a whore, oh wait she is a whore. Well, take my word she's hot. One of the best blogs I EVER read.


Dick 8====o~
 

Bloodless

I gave blood yesterday AND I did it while I had my period.
What was I thinking?! I no longer have ANY blood in my veins.
It's true, I tried to fill that damn plastic bag with my B+ high grade
hemoglobin & I ran out of the stuff. I squeezed that little bean bag ball
till my arm fell asleep. The red stuff was flowing nicely down the little tube,
then blammo! All of a sudden, all was quite & still. As hard as I squeezed,
still nothing more came out.

The nurse just laughed when I told her my theory. She said something
along the lines of, "Lie back down, you didn't even fill half the bag."
This, from the woman who had, moments earlier, done the worst job
of finding a vein & sticking me with a blasted needle
(she tried so many times that I now look like a junky).

I didn’t know that if you can’t give a complete pint of blood...none of it is used.
It’s an all or nothing deal.

I’m sitting here, cold & bloodless today, with bruises on my arms, having failed
miserably in my attempt to do something good for humanity.

So, I'm giving up...I'm going to let people like Dick...lead the blind around
the mall...of course he failed to tell you that he thought it was funny to lead
them into stores & lie to them about where they were. He lead a business man
into Victoria’s Secret...actually told him he was wearing boxer briefs,
when actually, he was wearing these.


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But in Dick's defense...aren’t they pretty?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

 

No Dick Killin' Today

I really don’t want Dick dead. I think something snapped in me yesterday.
I think it was one too many posts from Dick about killing wives.
Maybe, it hit me more personally than I thought. I went back & read
what I’d written & thought, damn, I WAS a bit harsh sounding, wasn’t I?
I chatted with Dick about it on the phone last night while driving home from
work. He was shocked & appalled (not really...but it sounded good).

My reaction yesterday reminds me of the time I punched my hubby with all my
might. I was sitting at my desk, writing out bills (yeah, we all just love paying
fucking bills, don’t we?)...so, needless to say, I was not enjoying myself...
then along comes hubby. He hit my elbow (too be funny?) & my pen went flying
off the paper. My first instinct was to punch him...HARD...in the arm.
He looked at me in a surprised way (I could tell he was thinking,
“um...yeah...that didn’t really hurt in the least...but...she wanted it to do some
damage”). I had surprised myself with the intensity my violent reaction.

So, a big, kissed filled sorry goes out to lovely, volunteering, vegetarian blogger
Dick...’cause as such of a Dick as he is...he’s still a good soul & I am glad he’s
actively blogging his (non existent) ass off lately.

* I’ll tell you what I think his best assets are sometime soon...
because some of you girlies out there want to know.

 

Flaccid Dick

Wow, harsh words from Chick. I didn’t realize I was that evil. One clarification is needed though I DO think Chick is funny. What happened was I read one of her replies in another’s blog and I started laughing out loud, when I seen that it was from her I told her over the phone, wow I didn’t think you were that funny, that she surprised me. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut.

Okay it’s the little guy’s Bday Sunday and I have no idea what to get him, he’s turning 12. Any suggestions would be appreciated, remember I have to out do his mother.

I’m really getting a kick out of reading everyone’s blog, some I have a hard time responding too, ie Gary, (my new friend). And the guy at Godhateskittens.blogspot is a fucking genius. I love his shit.
And I think Pink is hysterical, and I love the picture updates from Cricket. Which I think more women should do. I love reading the divorce chronicles because I can relate. And I can also relate to the Kooch. That’s some good eatin’s.

A little about me for those who don’t know, which is everyone, except Chick. I’m in my late 30’s, very late. I am a vegetarian, for over 20 years, just felt guilty eating those poor animals. I’m not as much of a Dick as I let on, I love to volunteer, I have with special needs kids, and also at a local hospital and not to mention I used to walk the blind around the mall before the stores opened. I think you get more out of volunteering than you give. The reason I’m telling you this is you may want to try to give some time if you find life is a little empty for yourself.
I do not have any hobbies, I would love some...I actually need some. I went to college for art and I can draw but I haven’t had the desire to do anything with it. I don’t collect anything and I don’t build, restore or fix things...I suck. What a waste huh? Oh I do blog though, because of my good friend Chick (who wants me dead).

Not so Hard ,
Dick 8====o~

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

 

How Does a Chick Kill an Arrogant Dick?

Dick doesn’t think I’m funny in the least. He keeps telling me that.
That only leads me to one conclusion...he’s an arrogant fuck (see below).
Yeah, he’s hysterical, sure, he’s going to get us spammed by Christian hate
groups because they are all out there Googling the coma (or comma...as he
says) woman’s name. (I didn’t want to put her name in again).

Arrogance: overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward perceived inferiors.

I’m not a big fan of arrogance. Nope, I could totally live without it forever.
I could live without the government’s arrogance in the case of this poor woman.
I mean, aren’t they in our lives enough as it is? What gives them the right
to have any say at all over if this woman lives or dies? Isn’t it arrogant
to use a dying woman for your own political gain?

I haven’t met Dick’s girlfriend yet...but she made the right choice last night.
Sleep over arrogant Dick...yeah...sometimes it comes down to that.

Disclaimer: Dick knows that I call him an arrogant prick...
in the most loving of ways.

 

What does a guy have to do to kill his wife?

Before I start offending anyone (Becky), let me just say I don’t really have a horse in this race.
Now about Terri Schiavo and her caring husband, who wants to put her out of her misery or maybe his own misery. I can understand both sides of this argument, as a parent you want to have hope beyond hope that your child could get better, who could actually pull the plug (so to speak) on their child? As her husband...well that’s simple.
I personally think why prolong this poor lady’s life, she clearly isn’t “living”. My GF asked me “if I was brain dead would you let me die?” I told her “Fuck, if you get the sniffles and I’m putting a pillow over your head.” I wonder why I don’t get any...
I look at this thing, if her family wasn’t so selfish they would let her go. I think we all hope once we leave this place we go to a far better place, so why keep her here? Who’s to say she’s not suffering? I think we are kinder to animals than what everyone is doing to this poor lady, tube out, tube in, tube out. Which brings me to the case against the husband, “What the Fuck??!” Let her parents take care of her for Christ’s sake. Are you that fucking intent on killing her? Crap you make me look good. You didn’t raise her, change her diapers, drop her off for her first day of school, no you probably met her while you were shit faced and wanted to get in her pants. So grow the fuck up, you proved your point, now let her family take care of her. Christ.
Okay enough of that shit. Now, last night my GF was sound asleep she was laying on her back with her legs open. So being the man I am I thought it’d be cute to start playing with everything and seeing if I could get her aroused. Well, I was rubbing her belly went up to the nips, played with those, then through her sweats starting to rub the patch of pleasure. Nothing. She was still snoring, she actually looked like Terri Schiavo in those videos with the head back and mouth open, But I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I went back to the nips trying to get them erect, nothing. So I went back down and untied her drawstring on the sweats. I was sure this was going to wake her up, nope. Then I slid my hand down and started search for an opening. It’s not easy, I had to pry things apart w/o waking her. After that I was in. Going around doing figure 8’s on the hooded thing, I read women love that. Sliding in and out, and all I got was more snoring. Figuring she was now dreaming of the neighbor doing this to her I whispered to her, “wacha dreamin’ bout?”.... “Honey, honey, (a little shaking) what are you dreaming?”......nothing...then “LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME SLEEP!” Damn, Terri Schiavo just fucking spoke.
I had to tell her all about this the next day. She didn’t remember. All I can say is if she ever started rubbing my balls while I was sleeping I sure would wake the fuck up even if I were in a comma

Monday, March 21, 2005

 

If I had a Penis...

This song is making me laugh my ass off today. I wish I knew the tune...
I'd be singing it all day! Previously, I said that I wanted to stop hiding
my weirdess, here's the first small step.
Oh...how I wish I'd written this...

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and carlots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shout it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stickshifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would endulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and buldge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle my chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on french verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Poolhalls and potholes and bottles and bitches...

Zucchinies and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and gratoes,
And mellons and marshmellows...

Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.


Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai

Saturday, March 19, 2005

 

Normal?

Since I didn’t feel right about taking Dick’s quiz below...due to the fact
that I don’t actually have my own penis...I took another quiz...
because it’s been awhile & I felt the need:




You Are 45% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)





While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself...



How Normal Are You?

I'm actively trying to change that last part ; )
 

The King

Your Penis Name is: Elvis

Get your own Penis Name



Which is funny because I was born on his birthday, how freaky is that?

Dick 8====o~

Friday, March 18, 2005

 
"Rear-Ending Bubbles" Sounds like a circus porn film, I think I have it too.

Dick 8====o~
 

Rear-ending Bubbles

Funny what you notice sometimes, isn’t it?

While driving to work this morning, I stopped at a red light & saw
the scene of a traffic accident in the oncoming lane.

A man had just rear-ended (I’m giggling) a woman (with his car...even better).
A state patrolman stood there, behind them, writing out an accident report.
The woman in the car that had been hit was sitting in the driver’s seat
of her car with the door open. On her lap sat a baby. What struck me as odd,
was the fact that the woman was blowing soap bubbles into the air & the baby
was laughing.

I smiled as I drove away thinking that it wasn’t so odd after all.
Here was someone who truly ‘gets what it’s all about’.

(Hopefully, that’s the closest I’ll ever come to a sermon here
in blogland...someone get me a tissue.
)

Thursday, March 17, 2005

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day

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Less than a year ago, I was in Ireland.
I'd never been there before & I was excited.
My husband didn't want to go so, I went with
one of my sisters. I asked Dick if he wanted
to join us (he's always telling me that's the one place
he's wanted to travel). He didn't take me up on my offer.
It would have been a blast if he'd have come along...
but he didn't & I hope he's still kicking himself in the ass about it.

We traveled all along the wild Irish coast. The photo I've posted
was taken on our first day. The roads were narrow & my brain
was having a hell of a time getting used to driving a Citroen
on the wrong side of the road. More than a couple of times
we almost tumbled to our deaths coming around a crazy turn
...in the wrong lane...into oncoming traffic...& by traffic I mean
a Guinness truck (they were EVERYWHERE). You have to love
a country that has twice as many pubs as they do churches
...& they have ALLOT of churches.

They say that everywhere you travel...that place becomes a part of you
...know I know what they mean.

 

One small step...

Yes, it finally happened. Well it happened once before with OJ, but that didn't count. Robert Blake gave all us married/divorced men a little bit of hope yesterday. It's good to see you can kill your wife and get away with it. Who's to say she didn't deserve it? Really! You know not everyone is as nice as Chick and I, what if we use an example, a person like..oo..I dunno..let's say...my ex. She deserves to die, brutally too I might add. I want to read in the paper they needed to identify her by dental records.
This slut that Blake killed..whoops.. I meant that SOMEONE ELSE killed, was a fucking whore, to put it nicely. She made her money by phone sex, lying and whatever else whores do. So she deserved to die, one less piece of shit we have to worry about. Now I think when a jury deliberates, there should be this question they have to answer, "Did the person deserve to be murderd?" If they come up with "yes" then we should knock off some years for helping us ALL out.
I think if more of us men had balls, and off'd a few more of our wives, that may just be enough to shut you the fuck up once in a while, but I doubt it. And don't bring up Scott Peterson, he's a little duche that should have his balls cut off and shoved in hi his mouth.

Yours Truly,
DICK 8====o~

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

 

Thank You!

Custody was settled on Monday. I get my son 3 weekends during school months, and in the summer I will get him Mon-Fri.
I wanted full custody, but, it would have been a long shot. I was advise to take this and hopefully during the summer months he will make friends and eventually want to go to school by me. Then we can ask for modification again.
I want to thank every one, mostly for all your well wishes and support. You all are really a great class of people, filthy mouths, but a great group.
The only bad thing to report is that my ex is still alive, but, hopefully I'll have a better update on that soon, God willing.

Dick

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

 

Love Pantry?

My Monday morning IM chat with Alex. Alex is a super cool guy I met
briefly at a work related seminar  in Philly last year. We chatted about
work related stuff, then went out separate ways. Then we started IMing
each other strictly about work stuff.
Somewhere along the way, work issues were totally thrown out the window.

Alex: Good morning sunshine - how was your
weekend?

Chick: Hello, Alex.

Insert boring stuff about both our weekends, here.

Chick: Did you have a nice birthday?

Alex: Yes, but I didn't get what I really wanted from my girlfriend.

Chick: not getting it daily, huh?

Alex: a couple times a week at best.

Chick: a couple times a week? That's better than what I get...

Alex: I'm a pretty horny guy...
Alex: I would be happier with at least 4 times a week or so...
Alex: ...or 10!

Chick: : 10?...now that's a lofty goal. I think, my magic number would be...6.
Chick: on the 7th day...we'd rest.

Alex: lol... like god.

Chick: exactly.

from God...to toys...how did THAT happen?

Alex: Do you ever use toys?
Alex: too personal?

Chick: by toys...you mean...exactly?

Alex: oh, sex toys.

Chick: I know!
Chick: What kind are you talking about?

Alex: lol
Alex: vibrators.

Chick: I didn't think you were talking about...LEGOS!

Alex: lol.... well, you never know - some people love legos!

Chick said something here...but it's been deleted...because, she's now
embarrassed about actually saying something like that.

Alex: fun stuff

Chick: fun for you...because you get involved, huh?
Chick: or...is that...too personal?

Alex: fun because there's no bigger turn on than watching a woman
orgasm.
Alex: and it just adds another fun twist to an already wonderful event
Alex: and no, nothing is too personal for you to ask me,

Chick: : a fun twist...hmmm.

Alex: indeed... definitely worth adding.

Chick: what kind?

Alex: I like the smaller ones that leave room for other activities to
occur simultaneously.
Alex: there's a little egg shaped one that works well for that.

Chick: got a site for that?

Alex: let me check
Alex:: I just like using it on her...although if it's not too graphic,
while using the egg shaped one on her clit if I'm inside, the vibrations
feel good for me too.
Alex:too much information?

Chick: : no... just the opposite... I need to know where I can get one.
Chick: if you find a site...e-mail me.
Chick: because I couldn't view the site at work anyway.

Alex: I think the one we got is made by penthouse, but we just bought
it at the friendly neighborhood love pantry.

Chick: um...what's a love pantry?

Alex: a sex toy shop,

Chick: gotcha
Chick: I'll have to scout out a local love pantry...
Chick: I have no idea where there might be one.

Alex: here's a link to one that looks similar to what I'm talking about:
http://www.nysexshop.com/4301sxa.htm

Chick: damn it...I accidentally clicked on that...
Chick: now some idiot guy in IT's gonna know I'm sex toy shopping.

Monday, March 14, 2005

 

March Madness

Well, Dick's been prolific in his writing lately
(& he thought he had nothing to say).

Child custody, ex's, bowling balls, things that are pink,
current girlfriends, Yodels, movies...oh yeah...
the topics are eclectic & endless. Hell, he's even started
a few blogger courtships with some of the cool girlie friends
I've been getting to know in blogland. Good for you, Dick.

Anyone out there interested in March Madness?
It's the third year in a row I've joined a college basketball pool
(2 years ago I came in third place & won big bucks...which is pretty incredible...'cause my only knowledge on the subject comes from watching
the 2 hour ESPN preview show.) Anyone out there willing to help me out here
will earn my bottomless (maybe, endless is a better choice of words here?) gratitude.

Happy Monday...can I go home now?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

 

Advice Needed, Please read!!!!!

Well Tuesday is the Big day. I have a trial folks for custody of my great soon to be 12 yr. old. I would appreciate any advice from anyone, on what I can do to best help my cause. FYI this is serious shit and jokes may not be appreciated on this one.
A little background....his mother ( I refuse to speak of her by name) is a loon. Chick will back me on this 100%, she's got some serious issues. She has what is called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), If any of you who read this suffer from this I am truly sorry because it sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I guess the reason I truly hate her is because she doesn't have the best interest of my son in mind. From day one of our separation she wanted to have him the majority of the time. I wanted 50/50. This wasn't acceptable for her, why? I wouldn't keep my son from her.
I offered her a brand new air conditioner for his room in the beginning of the summer. You know she said no, can you fucking believe that? I would have put it in myself, in fact I was so furious I was willing to break in and do it. She makes my son suffer, I'd like her head in a bowling bag (see previous post).
I moved 30 miles south, the school district where I am is primo. Before we even knew where he would be attending school this year I said "would you consider the school district down here?" She flat out said "no". This is a person who has his best interest in mind? Bitch.
I know this isn't child abuse but she still has her fucking Christmas decorations up. I'm pretty sure she has her "fake" tree still up and Garland shit around the door outside. Come on it's fucking Easter. Ever see a wreath on a crucifix?
The other fun thing she does is she sleeps in the living room. She had slept on a futon for the longest time, I thought it was always in the couch position until my son tells me one day that she fixed the couch and it's no longer laying flat. So for months she has been laying on a bed in the living room. People she has a big bedroom upstairs!! I asked him why is she sleeping down there he said it was because her back hurt. Ok... Now the fun part, she sends me a certified letter telling me to come get all my stuff from the house, she mentions a few things, such as drafting table, art work etc. She doesn't mention MY refrigerator, My Futon which she has been sleeping on, and other important stuff. When I tell her I want everything she gets all worked up. "You're going to take the refrigerator? You want to do that to your son?" First off, since when did you give a rat's ass about him?! You are only using him to try to keep it for yourself, Second you sent the FUCKING CERTIFIED LETTER!! Telling me to get my crap, you should have said come get the stuff, of yours, I want to give you.
I did get ALL my stuff, my son is watching tv in the living room on a fucking box. I go out and spend 20 bucks to get him a bean bag chair, I had to tell him it was from my sister so his loony mother wold take it in the house. Now eventually she gets a recliner for the living room, guess where she is sleeping now, RIGHT the recliner. That should be much better for her back, right?! Bitch.
So Hopefully Tuesday I can express some of these thoughts with out putting my hands around her neck.
As for the pros on my side, Normal Parent (somewhat), cleaner envionment, (she is also a slob..went into her house and there was a bowl of food on the table with mold growing out of it, also, took pictures of the disgusting home and in one shot of her end table in her bedroom was about 15 mugs and glasses all piled up), better school district (by fucking FAR!), and I wouldn't use him as a pawn to get back at her, the way she has. She didn't even give me the phone # of her cell phone, or her boy friends, I'm supposed to have these things because I'm HIS FUCKING PARENT TOO!!!!!
Ok, I'm done, I hope I didn't bore you to tears. So let me know people what you think only have a couple of day's left, every comment will be appreciated!! Thanks!!
 

Strike

Woman's Head Found in Bowling Bag
March 11, 2005 — A woman's head was found in a bowling ball bag in her home on Friday, and some of her body parts were found discovered hidden behind walls, the Hudson County prosecutor said.

What I want to know is where is the fucking bowling ball!
 

WYSIWYG

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WYSIWYG {wiz'-ee-wig}: adj.- (1) "What You See Is What You Get";
(2) A monthly showcase of readings & performances by BLOGGERS.

One of these days, I am going to HAVE to check this out! How bizarre is that??
I mean that in a totally creative, funny & I wish I'd thought of that
(but I wouldn't have dreamed something like this up in a million years)
kind of way.

You gotta check this out.
 

Ode to a new Friend:

Pink it's my new obsession
Pink it's not even a question,
Pink on the lips of your lover, 'cause
Pink is the love you discover

Pink as the bing on your cherry
Pink 'cause you are so very
Pink it's the color of passion
'Cause today it just goes with the fashion

Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light, and
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

You could be my flamingo
'Coz pink is the new kinda lingo
Pink like a deco umbrella
It's kink - but you don't ever tell her

Pink it was love at first sight, and
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

I want to be your lover
I wanna wrap you in rubber
As pink as the sheets that we lay on
Pink it's my favorite crayon, yeah

Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink it's like red but not quite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

Aerosmith

Friday, March 11, 2005

 

Do You Have a Pole Up Your Ass?

Should I call Dick out on this one, or let it be? I
hate the whole stereotype of “women can’t get along
with each other”...it drives me crazy. The fact is, I
do have slightly more male friends than female
friends, but that might be due to the fact that I’ve
always worked with mostly men. It’s funny, along with
the goals of loving my job & doing my best, the other
goal I always have in any job is, finding a girlfriend
where I work. someone to go to lunch with. Someone to tell
me how much she loves my outfit & killer shoes. I find this to be,
usually, easier said than done. In my previous place of employment,
which Dick & I shared, our department was filled with about
45 men & three women (myself included). The two other
women had poles stuck so far up their asses, that they
couldn’t stop being uptight...ever. They’d literally
needed a written apology every time someone uttered
the dreaded word “fuck”. They’d say things to me like,
“That Dick, he certainly uses the f word a lot & that
isn’t right”(...seriously, they’d say things like that
to me). I don’t know what kind of response they were
expecting from me...but what they got was me laughing
till I had to pee & asking them what the fuck they
meant by ‘the f word”. They never laughed with me
(they didn’t appreciate the joke, sad, right? OK, it
wasn’t that funny, but it amused me...).

So, I seem to have contradicted myself by proving the
exact opposite of the whole “women can’t get along”
thing. But I still don’t believe it has to be true. The women
in blogland certainly do not seem to have poles up their asses
(& if they do, they seem to enjoy having them there). I love women
& appreciate most of them more than I can say. I look for similar
things in my women friends as I do it my male friends...someone
who knows how to laugh, whether it’s appropriate, or not, someone
I can trust & tell my secrets to (of course, they have to tell me theirs...
& secrets involving sex earn extra special bonus points).

Thanks to Dick, for the compliment...& it was a doozie...
I give him hope for the female species?
Sometimes, I’d have to say...yeah, baby...right back at you ; )

Thursday, March 10, 2005

 

Keep it real.

I'm thinking this is a woman thing.And I did THINK about it before writing it. We all know women can't get along with each other right? I'm not talking about your best friend who you've known since 2nd grade. I'm talking a bunch of girls thrown together like a dorm or some tea party group there's going to a click and one or a few girls are going to feel the wrath from the rest of the group. I'm sure some will disagree but then you're wrong.
Now what I'm wondering is it ALSO a woman thing to be a big God Damn phony. My ex is a classic example of this. Let's call her Eve because she had just as many faces. She would talk down to me as if I was her son and not her husband, no respect what so ever. Then if a stranger came to the door, watch out, Eve # 2 would come out. She would be all bright and bubbly, laughing and carrying on like she is the happiest fucking person in the world. Once that door close, wham, back to the bitch I lived with day and night.
Now the reason I bring this up is because today I had a horrible flash back. My new partner (ah-hem), called me today, all nasty and in a bad mood. Criticizing me for something, I tried to calm her down and make her laugh, she said she was disgusted with work...then ....then ..it happened. All of a sudden she's laughing and giggling saying, "don't touch my plant, now it looks naked" yada, yada, yada, whatever the fuck she was talking about. Her boss had walked over and she was all over that shit, like the 5 minutes of me trying to cheer her up never even happened. What the Fuck! If I'm in a bad mood I'm in a bad mood to everyone. I will say this about Chick, she is not like these chameleons, she's a straight shooter. She gives me hope for your species.

Dick 8====o~
 

Yodels?

Sorry, but Dick just doesn’t get it. That first sentence of your last post proves
that. Rape?! That is definitely NOT hot. No, not in any way. Maybe, he
didn’t see the movie? I don’t want to get on my high horse and talk about that
subject...so I won’t. In the movie, he did not rape her...that wouldn’t have been
hot in any way. He used persuasion to get her over her hesitation, because he
knew she wanted to be there...that’s one of the reasons it was so hot. He kind of
knew what she wanted (of course he wanted it too...goes without saying)
before she did.

Dick started talking about Yodels...& I thought he was headed for The Swiss
Alps. I really thought he was talking about yodeling (I’m still laughing).
I thought he had some strange fondness for yodeling, that it somehow made
him feel better. OK, I get the connection of chocolate & sex...I totally do...but
what’s the connection with crappy junk food ( Yodels?!) & sex...that connection
I do not get. Who, in their right mind, would compare sex to 20 pieces of
chocolate covered crap?...Not me.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

 

Yodels

Regarding Chick's movie scene. Why is it women fantasize about rape, but when I rape them, they all scream?
I know that was bad, sorry.
I can't imagine looking like Richard Gere and you woman STILL cheats on you, that's gotta suck. Or what about Hugh Grant getting a BJ from a crack ho while he's dating one of the prettiest girls in the world. Tell me that's not fucked up. I've NEVER needed a blow job that bad. Hand job...yes.
Why can't people be faithful? Is it because it's just not in our genetic makeup? Is it because it's exciting and it releases endorphins kinda like having 20 yodels? And why do yodels taste so damn good? It's like getting a blow job. Hmmm.
I know with a lot of guys they have this mental list and they want to be able to check off as many as they can before they die, or worse get married.
1) # of Virgins
2) Anal
3) 2 Girls at once
4) If not # 3, then 2 girls in the same day
5) Mother and Daughter (hey it's all guys just not me)

As far as I'm concerned, 1=3, 2=Check, 3=Not yet, 4=Check (twice), 5=Half way done

Dick 8====o~
 

Another Great Movie Scene

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Movie scenes, huh? Do you want touching...or hot? How about touchingly hot?
The first thing that came to my mind was the first sex scene in Unfaithful. You know, the scene where Diane Lane walks out of Olivier Martinez’s killer apartment...because she doesn’t think she has it in her to cheat on her husband...then has to go back because she forgot her coat. When she comes back into the apartment, he grabs her & sorts of hugs her all the way to the bed.
He kisses her & she shakes uncontrollably (so absolutely hot). He is all sly, playful looks & dark hair. He kisses her stomach & looks up at her with a luscious smile. Her proceeds to slowly remove her panties...but not her shoes. Yeah, that, right there is key. (Keep those hot shoes on, Olivier...I’m beginning to think you really know what you’re doing). When she flakes out again & says that she doesn’t know how to do this (cheat on her husband)...he says, “hit me”...she’s shocked...but he convinces her to do it. She hits him & he grabs her hands...& well...unfortunately, the rest is left to our sweet imaginations.

OK, I have to go NOW.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

 

Great Movie Scene

In the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where Jim Carrey and the chick from the Titanic, are under the covers telling each other how much they love each other when that memory is starting to be erased and Jim is crawling and begging "no not this one, just let me have this memory".... awesome. Your's chick?

Dick 8====o~
 

WaWhaa

How about instead of "Mostly Chick" we call it "Dick'n Chick" or even better "Dick in Chick"?

If there happen to be any seniors reading this, next time you want to be nice to the cashier by giving him exact change think about the half dozen people behind you waiting for you to count 2 quarters, 3 dimes, a nickle and 4 pennies. Jesus, give the guy a fuckin dollar so I can get to work!

Monday, March 07, 2005

 

Daddy Dick knows best

Just want to thank everyone for coming to MY blog. Did everyone notice how Chick ignored the fact she wanted me when we first met? Maybe she just doesn't want to embarrass me in front of everyone....nahhhh. I must admit to everyone I really am starting to like this blog thing, especially the other blog pages. Kochie taster...how friggn' cool is that? I know Chick found most of you and I'm just starting to read your pages, just give me some time and I promise I will get to everyone's.

Now we have to clear some things up that chick wrote, re: "Potential topics". My GF does not have a wedding dress...yet. I wouldn't mind getting married, I've been "single" for almost 5 years. I've lived with the future Mrs. Dick for over a year. We get along great. Are there things that drive me crazy? YESSSSS!!! But, still, I think I can put up with them, mostly because she has a nice rack, a very nice rack. Oh and a nice dumper. Sure she's got a nice personality...but what an ass! I think my next blog I'll fill you in on how she drives me nuts. That could take awhile. I will say this I have never cheated on her, and for me that is an accomplishment. I blame my father for he couldn't keep it in his pants either, he actually encourage me to screw around on my first wife. I love him. He'd give me extra cash and he'd even cover for me on the phone. Someday, God willing, I'll be able to do the same for my son, little Dick. Because all little Dicks grow up to be BIG DICKS. Thanks Pop.
 

Mostly Dick

Two posts...in a row. I do believe that is a record
for the ever endearing, Dick. Yeah, I’ll change the
“mosty Chick” heading. I’ll change it to “mostly Dick”
when it happens to be true. But it ain’t true yet.
Don’t you agree?

Dick’s post on how we met was...unexpectedly sweet.
But that pretty much sums him up in a nutshell. Dick’s
the kind of guy who will say anything to anybody. He’s
the kind of guy you love or...totally don’t get.
Either you like his goofiness or you don’t. Obviously,
you know which side I’m on.

Yeah, Dick & I met at job years ago. We hit it off
right away. Like I said, Dick doesn’t hold much back
about his personality & either you dig that or you
don’t. I remember (foolishly) telling him that I liked
this other guy where we worked (Dick called him a big
goof in his post). Well, my birthday happened to be
coming up & the next thing you know, I get a huge
bouquet of flowers sent to me anonymously at work. I’m
not one to take anything for granted & I have no idea
who sent the flowers. Dick just laughed when I asked
him if he knew who they were from. Later in the day BG
(big goof) strolls past me with a shit eating grin on
his face asking how I liked the flowers. I mumbled
something about loving them & immediately went to find
Dick. I asked him if he had EVER said anything to BG
about the fact that I liked him (I think, officially, we
sunk back to grade school levels at this point).
Again, all Dick did was laugh uncontrollably.

I ended up dating BG for almost a year after that.
Not a great choice on my part...but Dick was no help.

Friday, March 04, 2005

 

Chick'n

WOW, did ya' ever think I could leave Chick speachless? I guess it's going to be "Mostly Dick" from now on, which is good because let's face it, everyone loves dick, right? I bet she's at the lawyer's now writing up those divorce papers, the power that Dick has over women is tremendous. Well, I gues I'm going to have to beg Chick to write, maybe call her and text her. Thanks for all your weepy comments, trust me, that will most likely be the last time you feel that way again after reading my posts. After all I'm Dick for a reason.

Yours In Christ,
BIG Dick 8====o~
 

How do I love thee...

First I want to thank EVERYONE for your comments, you like me..you REALLY like me!
I want to say, yes, I missed a day, sorry. I stumbled. But just so you are all aware I have "The Apprentice" waiting for me on my TIVO and instead I am blogging baby. Ok now for the story everyone wants to know, and Chick doesn't expect.
I won't bore you with the details, but we both met at an entry level position in a nice size company. Now when we first met I was dating two girls at the same time plus I had two jobs. I think I may have had a chance with Chick if I didn't seem like such a sleeze when I first met her. You know "first impressions..." So anyway she was cute and kinda sexy, a very nice pair, that's for sure. She kind of like this guy at work, a big goof, why? I have no idea. I reasoned because I was taken with two other women, and Chick didn't want to share me. So she settled, never settle Chick! Well, we did become good friends I must admit. We spent time outside of work together. I went to her house, met her family, which of course they loved me. We did things couples do, but, we were just "friends".
About 5 or 6 years ago I found a journal that I used around that time in my life. In it was something about Chick. We used to go to the bar at least every week and many times it was just ourselves, and in one of my entries it said how Chick and I spent hours just talking in the parking lot one night. After I read that I said to myself "What an asshole, I could have had her!" I mean come on..don't you agree? Who spends hours talking in a parking lot if there was nothing there? Now Chick is going to deny this but I know you won't let her slide on this.
Not too many people experience this but there was this one defining moment where I saw Chick in a new light. I was dating this whore from work and right before our Christmas party I caught her kissing another guy. So I wanted to show the whore that it wasn't going to effect me. I had called Chick and asked her if she'd go to the party with me. I didn't even think she would only because of the situation, but she said "sure". We had a great time, both got wasted. The whore tried to make up but I blew her off. Later that night I (somehow) drove Chick home, we both sat on her couch in a drunken state with my arm around her. I think we both started to fall asleep when I got up, kissed her on the cheek and left.

Seriously, how many other women would do that for a guy. That night I had found an undying respect for Chick, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, nothing. It's easy for me to write this though I never told her but "I do love you". Thanks for being such a wonderful friend to me.


Dick

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

 

Why Did I Have To Beg?

2 text messages & 2 cell phone conversations later...I've succeeded
in bringing Dick back. This might be a limited engagement,
we'll just have to see how it goes.

Yeah...I'm glad Dick's back. Just be forewarned, he'll be lying if he says
that he broke my heart. Dick's got a warped sense of humor.
That's one of the things that I like best about him...but sometimes
he carries it too far. What I am trying to say, in a nice way is,
he's going to change parts of the story because he thinks that's funny
(like the time he tried to post as me...but I deleted it...by the way...
still NOT FUNNY).

That being said, I'll let him write his version of how we met,
then maybe I'll write my version.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

 

12 step program

Hello everyone my name is Dick (in unison..."hi Dick").
I'm here well because I've been hurting a good friend of mine, chick. (Chick stands up, but too short for anyone really to see her).
Well, it started a few months ago I thought of this idea and well... I didn't get hooked. I wanted to get hooked but no-one would leave me any replies so I kind of fell off the wagon. Now thanks to chick and the great people who are trying to help I think this may be the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going to take one day at a time and hope I can continue to be well...a...blogger. (applause).
Tomorrow I will begin about how when Chick and I first met, I broke her heart. Glad I'm back Chick?

Love,
Dick 8=====o~
 
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OK...how bored (not to mention...silly) do you actually have to be to...
create yourself out of Legos?!

Go here & try it yourself ; )

See what I've resorted to because Dick's not showing up here yet?!

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