As I neared home last night on my way home from work, something flew in front of my windshield in a flash. I can only guess that it was a huge Canadian goose flying across the road to get to the park by my house. When I slammed on my breaks, I effectively avoided hitting the bird & successfully slammed my forehead into the steering wheel. The Chinese food I’d just picked up splattered out of the bag on my passenger seat & slimed itself on to the floor mat.

My head was still aching when I pulled the car into my garage moments later. I turned off the ignition & sat there thinking, how am I ever going to get the ghastly smell of Chinese food out of my car? I knew I’d do a bang-up job cleaning up the lo mein from my floor...but that kind of smell lingers.

I sat in silence...in the car...in the garage for awhile more. When I finally looked down, I saw the chocolate stain I’d gotten on my top while celebrating an art director’s 30th birthday about an hour before driving home. Apparently, it was too much for me to hold a plate of cake while standing, chatting & jamming forkfuls of fucking cake into my mouth & NOT get cake stains on my middle. How super cool I must have looked walking around work in a white top accented by brown stains.

I opened the car door & got out. My plan was to tackle the cake stains, change into sweats, then it would be on to the lovely chore of lo mein removal.

I went straight to the laundry room, stripped off my top & attacked it with a stain stick...I was beginning to feel a little bit better, at least I was making progress, the ache in my head lessened as the cake stain faded away.

I headed upstairs to change. I almost jumped out of my skin when I found Michael, the contractor, in my bedroom putting the finishing touches on the expert spackle job that I obviously thought he’d be done with at this time of night.

If he was embarrassed (& he should have been...FOR ME) he didn’t show it. I stumbled & stuttered & grabbed a sweatshirt & ran out of the room.

I’m just glad that no creatures were harmed in the telling of this story.