...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Saturday, March 31, 2007


Never understood what all the fuss was about concerning PMS. Will I hear crap for this statement? Yes.

Here's the thing. I got my period on Friday & was feeling sort of OK. No drugs were taken & no one was the wiser. Cut to later & my hour long ride home from work. Halfway into it, the Earth shook in a non glorious way. A few good cramps gripped the lower half of my body & settled in the small of my back threatening to creep up my spine. I jolted myself as upright as I could in the seat of my car. Of course I had some Advil in my bag...but nothing to drink (I can drink like a thirsty camel at home...but once I'm in a moving vehicle it's time to pee every 10 blocks).

I thought about sucking on a pill but...eeewww & I can't swallow one with only girl spit alone, damn.

Half an hour of pain was followed by me getting home & running through the door as fast as I could. I threw my bag on a chair & jammed my hand into a pocket where the stash should have been...NOTHING. Shit, I endured mind numbing pain in places that men never knew existed...for the last half an hour & THIS IS MY REWARD?! NO END TO MY PAIN?!

I started grabbing things out of my bag...hoping to find relief. As I placed my wallet carefully on the table, then daintily dove into my bag again to delicately take out my iPod I thought, nope, still no Advil anywhere...WHERE COULD IT BE?! WHAT IF IT'S NOT THERE?!? At this point...the entire contents of my bag somehow landed on my kitchen floor & what do you know...right on the top of this pile of shit was my Advil.

In my humble opinion, PMS has nothing on DMS.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Magic Undies

I went to a family function this weekend. It was all the way out on the North Shore of Long Island. If you know anything at all about LI...you know that it doesn't matter what time of day or night you'll be traveling...the traffic could potentially be a nightmare...so we had to leave early & I felt rushed.

I don't dress up that often...but when I do I kind of enjoy it. That's not to say that I didn't stress over what to wear (I hate that girl stress over silly things like this). I even made a trip to the mall on my way home from work during the week & walked out empty handed with a new hatred for all things mall related. My sister was right was right when she said that you can never find something when you're looking for it...you just have to get it when you see it (I'm fairly certain she was talking about clothes here...).

I ended up wearing my $40 H&M dress. It's a little black wrap dress that still needs to be pinned so as not to show too much extremely white cleavage. (Seriously, can any of you girlies out there ever wear a wrappy anything without wearing something under it or having to pin it?).

I should have done a dry run days before getting dressed (but does anyone ever do this...I'm sorry...but I'm just not that anal). I was all set except that I could not for the life of me find my magic underwear. & I mean I looked everywhere.

Do all women have magic underwear, or is it just me? You know, that one bra you love more than all the others. It's so pretty & it caresses me in all the right places. Mine is black & believe it or not...even has some lace on it that doesn't itch. (I could sing songs about this bra...that's how happy it makes me...but lucky for you...I won't). OK...bra taken care of...now for the panties...but no, they aren't in my undies drawer. On to the stockings & other things drawer...not there either...hell, I even checked my sock drawer for good measure...nothing. Damn...what could I do but put on my dress with regular panties? I know, I could have gone without...but I do not like drafts...so...that wasn't to be. I was all set...but...oh no...I spied some pretty apparent visible panty lines. Shit...can't have that...now can we?

The very last place I looked...(why is that always the case?)...my pj drawer...yes...there were my magic undies all safe & sound (my undie drawer must have overflowed). I did a little happy jig while taking off my un-enchanted panties & putting on the magical ones. My ass thanked me with a shiver (it knew it would be better presented in duds with magical properties...oh...it knew it only too well).

Monday, March 26, 2007


I've Been Booked

He gave me a notebook to write in...he said...'write it all down in this book...you'll feel better'. Now, it didn't escape my consciousness that maybe he just got sick of my complaining to him constantly about this little thing or that, or the guy ahead of me in traffic who I was going to kill if I had a gun, or the woman chewing gum like a loud cow with a fat ass who's sitting next to me in a meeting, or the deadline that got changed 87 times to my displeasure (because I could go on & on about all the work I had to do to accommodate the deadline changer's whim...really...I could)...you see, this book has stopped the stream of constant shit loosely dribbling out of my mouth (you could say that this book has sort of been the fiber my attitude has needed in it's diet...are you with me here on the whole...diarrhea reference? eeewww...sorry for that).

You have to have a special place in your heart for someone who gives you a present like this. It takes thought & caring (& a little self preservation on his part...maybe) to be thoughtful enough to offer someone a place to vent where they will be granted full immunity to write whatever the hell they want without repercussions or judgements.

When it's full I may just let him read it...but I have to admit...it's with weak-knees that I'd invite anyone in to see my nonsensical, half-baked, deranged (he looks like a deranged Easter Bunny...a cookie to who(m)ever gets the source of that quote right...come on...you know it) rantings.

OK, posting on this blog is sort of along the same lines as writing in this book...but...then again...it just feels different. He's (hopefully) the only one who's going to read the screwy ramblings in this book...so, somehow it just seems more...more...I'm failing at thinking of the right word here...intimate? Nah...too strong...I'll think of the right word one of these days (& put it in the book).

I owe him a big, violent hug for this gift...thank you.

Friday, March 23, 2007


I was talked into taking a class at the gym yesterday. I went in knowing it was a bad idea...but I did it anyway...I should have gone with my instincts & stayed the hell away. As soon as I turned the corner into the locker room...& this spray tanned woman of about 50 greeted me with a...'Hi everyone' I should have hightailed it the fuck out of there right then & there..

I found myself right next to this enthusiastic ma'am for the duration of the class. One of the first things I noticed as the class started was...she had left her huge necklace on & every time she moved it hit her clavicle with a thud. The necklace was made out of some exotic stones that were gigantic. Remember what Wilma Flintsone's swanky jewels looked like? Yeah...something like that. & when I tell you she had a bony upper chest area...I'm not kidding...with every jump in this god-forsaken class...I heard a bam (see how I worked that right in there?) as rock hit bone...it was throwing off my struggling rhythm & I usually ended up going to the right when I should have been almost puking to the left with the rest of the class.

Funny thing is...I'm going to be sore from this class soon...but right now my clavicle hurts.

& now...my favorite Flintstone's quote:

Fred Flintstone: I'm only one man.
Barney Rubble: Not from the back.

Monday, March 19, 2007


I spent my Sunday on the West side visiting a friend in Roosevelt Hospital. I was met at the train by my friend’s cousin. I’d met her once before at a party long ago. After the normal ‘hellos’ we ended up walking a couple blocks in silence. Do you find it to be true that you either hit it off instantly with a person...or you don’t? I hate to put it that way...but...I could sort of tell that she viewed the day’s scenario as one of convenience...rather than one of potential friendship. I think she was comforted by the fact that she had someone to walk over to the hospital with...but...maybe that was the end of the perks of actually having me there.

As we were walking, I pondered this...& failed to look down at an intersection & promptly found myself knee deep in freezing slush on the corner of 57th & 10th. Ugh...I’d be freezing & wet for the rest of the damn day.

As we walked through the lobby of the hospital (I sloshed)...we said, hello to the security guard who didn’t stop us, check us in, or generally do anything security-ish at all. It kind of unnerved me...but...whatever.

We spent some time with my friend. I’d brought her some flowers & they brightened up the room. This is the greyest place I have ever seen. Grey walls, grey beds, grey blankets...you get the idea. Let me ask you this...what else can you bring to a hospital to cheer someone up?

After the visit, the cousin & I walked out onto the street & she suggested going for lunch. Sure...I said...& we went off to a cute Irish bar near the hospital. I immediately ordered a pint & she ordered an iced tea (not a good sign...damn...she needed a drink too). She finished her iced tea & ordered a beer...only because every sentence out of my mouth after we’d ordered included something about me hating to drink alone. I was so glad she took my subtle hints. We had a much better time after that.

The bill for lunch came to 75 bucks...ooops...sort of a lot for lunch...but we ended up having a great time (the beers were no longer on special from St. Patrick’s Day...but at least they weren’t green).

OK...I can admit that I was a little bit quick to judge what kind of a lame-assed day I was going to have if I had to spend it with the silent cousin. Getting a few drinks into her definitely helped & the next time I see her we’ll just have to have a few cocktails immediately.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Happy Saint Patricks Day

Some places (like people) become a part of your heart & soul.

They just do.

You don't plan for it to happen...but happen it does.

For me, Ireland is such a place.

I haven't been back in three years...but my heart is there.

My cousin is getting married in Kinsale potentially next year & I wouldn't miss it.

The rugged western coast just pulls me to go back...it really does. For some reason I was drawn to one of the most isolated parts of the country & felt such peace there...of course being close to the ocean didn't hurt either.

Tomorrow I will drink a Guinness (or two) & toast everything Irish.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


OK...here's what happened:

Hubby & I were in the car driving. He started telling me about someone he works with...seems they know someone famous:

Hubby: Bill is good friends with an actor & he...

Me: Is it Heath Ledger? (1st name that popped into my head).

Hubby: No...(as he tries to get on with the story).

Me: Ethan Hawke? (I must have been in an overly silly mood...but these guys have funny names, no?)

Hubby: (starting to show slight signs of annoyance). No (he said...through clenched teeth)...it's an actor from the seventies...(then he foolishly tries to go on with this story...it sounded something like this...blabbity, blah, blah)...


Hubby: Nevermind (& he's still pissed...& apparently...I'm still amused).

Friday, March 09, 2007


& the Eyes Have It

Have you ever looked so hard & so long at your monitor that your eyes feel like they are partially popping out of your skull? (this usually happens to me at work...although I suppose it happens from time to time while viewing erotica...OK...PORN too).

I was taking an eye burning break from viewing the screen at work the other day & rubbing my eyes. I didn't realize that I was rubbing them so hard that when I attempted to look at the screen again all I saw was blurry yellow spots...of course this is when someone called me about work & I actually had to talk about what was on my screen in detail...ugh...I could not see a thing through the blurry haze for about 3 minutes & by then the conversation was over & they thought I'd been drinking on the job.

I went to the gym at lunch...I dutifully did what I had to do...& when I was done, I sort of misplaced my locker key...couldn't find the damn thing anywhere. In the process of retracing my steps, a guy got up from the seat of one of the weight machines I'd used earlier & there was my key. He was sitting on it & hadn't realized. Um...how much ass does one guy have to be sporting...to not notice a locker key piercing into his flesh?

Oh Yeah...it was one of THOSE days...but all was not lost, this weekend is supposed to warm up to a soul scorching 50 degrees & if my mechanic does not steal all of my hard earned money (my car needs breaks...like I NEED breaks...sheesh...come to think of it...he makes me feel like something sharp has been shoved up my ass when I deal with him...the money grubbing crook...ouch)...I should have a good weekend. I envision myself feeling like a piece of meat that's been taken out of the freezer to thaw.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007



Driving home the other night I got bored. So, out came the camera. As I looked through the lens (& tried not to kill myself while not exactly keeping me eyes on the road), I found that the oncoming lights sort of warmed me. It's been so cold around here lately...if I don't seek out warmth every once in a while...I will freeze...I'm certain of it.

This time of year is a little bit uninspirational to me...it's too cold (already bitched about that above...sorry), seems spring will never come & with it...bring baseball. I don't have a sport to follow this time of year. I tried watching hockey...but that just made me feel colder & basketball leaves me feeling all dead inside...have you ever watched a game on TV?...ugh...all that sneaker squeeking could drive you to kill someone.

Where's Spring...I need a sign.

Friday, March 02, 2007


Trade Me

Have you ever bought something...

then worn it for the first time

& thought...

What was I thinking when I bought this?

I bought THIS SWEATER on Saturday at Ann Taylor.

Except it's in black.

Wait...here ya go:

Cute...isn't it?

Yeah, well,

it's cute on her.

On me...it just doesn't work.

Here's my proposition for you:

Anyone out there have something to swap with me for it?

I'll trade you...even-Steven.

I only wore it once...& I'll launder it nicely for you & even box the sucker up.

Anyone game?

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