...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Happy Chocoholics Day

See now...this girl just gets it totally...

Happy Halloween.

In my view...

It's just another excuse to celebrate another


So far I revel in rejoicing


On these days: Valentine's Day

The Vernal Equinox

Easter (& Fat Tuesday before lent)

Summer Solstice

My birthday

The Autumnal Equinox


Winter Solstice

The whole bleepin Christmas season

...& days when I just neeeed it.

This morning...I knew I had some candy in the house.

So I lined up a row of chocolate kisses on the counter...

I unwrapped them all...

Looked at them...

Smelled them...

Then started shoving them into my mouth like a loon.

I didn't even taste them going down.

As one would enter my mouth...

My thoughts were already on the next victim.

I swear...I didn't even ENJOY my chocolate orgy.

Is this what it's like to be addicted to crack?

Isn't GLUTTONY on of those big 7 sins?

OK, I looked 'em up:

Look for yourself...Seven Deadly Sins...can you believe it?

I'm picking another one that I've committed & writing about it next.

I may need absolution.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Some more photos for you...


"I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. 'Let's go buddy! Holland tunnel!' '...Uh..I-I was just going to the store... I didn't realize it was my shift. Well, let's see... the Holland Tunnel is in my ass... alright?"

~Don't know who said this...some comedian I think.

World Trade Center Site

"It's a fickle town, a tough town. They getcha, boy. They don't let you escape with minor scratches & bruises. They put scars on you here."

~Reggie Jackson (fuck...& I find myself actually quoting a yankee??!!)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

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Monday, October 23, 2006


Kenny M. is Going to Hell

Did you have a nemesis in grade school?
Someone you thought you didn’t like upon sight?
For me it was Kenny M.
The minute I showed up in Mrs. J’s 3rd grade class we detested each other.
We never talked about it (we never talked at all...we just seemed to throw things at each other)
We just knew that it was some kind law of the jungle.
We hated each other because we were destined to & it just felt so right.

Kenny M. used to take great joy in whipping balls at me during our lunchtime games of kickball.
He’d take careful aim at my head & try to crack my skull open
Or shoot lower & hit me in the sacred place where boobies were supposed to someday grow.

Wham...the ball would hit me & take the kid air right outa me on the spot.

Try as I might...even if I hit the slug
He’d just laugh it off.
It didn’t help that I my scrawny arms had no power in them to missile the ball at him like I wanted to
I cursed him & would fume.

One day, during one of these games, I tried to kick the ball
But fell over it instead
Ripped my damn tights
& skinned my knees.
I knew I heard laughing
(I would have laughed too...but I had some pride back then & it was usually my undoing).

As I picked my wounded self up
I looked down at the blood dripping from my knees onto my awesome yellow tights
Something snapped in me.

Mrs. J wanted to know what happened.
Mrs. J hadn’t seen.
“I was pushed”...I heard my little girl self say.

“Who pushed you?”, said my concerned but apparently blind teacher.

You know very well what lie came out of my chaste mouth.

I had one moment of pure joy before I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my fate was now sealed & I would have to spend eternity in hell (with Kenny...because I knew he was evil & belonged in hell & now God was laughing at me too).

& they say that Catholic school doesn’t fuck you up?

Friday, October 20, 2006


Bitching & Wine-ing

( I'm a sucker for cool label artwork.)

Saturday was spent in Upstate NY.

Went to three wineries in the area with a tiny crowd of friends &
slightly related people.

The foliage was divine & the wine was herbaceous while at the same time...not too pretentious.

Yeah...in my over ambitious fervor to fit in with the snobby wine
saps...I started sprouting verbiage like that above line.

I cracked myself up at the load of crap I was uttering & amused myself
some more by reading the map wrong on purpose & saying inane things
like..."according to this map...we should be there in like...2 inches"
(laugh for me...no one else did...pity...I'm asking for pity here...

HERE are
the photos.

I bought some of this wine because of the poem & label...& it was
better than expected too.

"Once a year in the dead of night
 we crush this wine, blood-red, not white.
 The perfect libation for a nocturnal affair,
 to be drunk with a meal or a friend...
 ...if you dare."

Wednesday, October 18, 2006



"I thought you'd never say hello," she said
"You look like the silent type."
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

Monday, October 16, 2006


One Beer

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(Suuure I could go for one beer).

Got a series of e-mails from my friend PD at the end of my work day last week:

PD: If you're getting out normal time and feel like having like one beer, I'd be up for it.

Me: I'm at my other office today...does that work for you?

PD: Where to meet?  When?  Sounds potentially like a logistical nightmare. (Notice I'm trying to make you do all the work).

Me: I'll meet you where we met last time.
Um...One beer?

PD: Now that you mention it, one beer is silly. I would end up staying for more & getting heat.  So much for my spontaneity.
Hope its not another year past when we do.

Me: Thanks a lot.
See you around sometime...you suck.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006



Ever have one of those days when you should have stayed in bed?
I take that back...it's not enough.

What I mean to say is...you should very well have stayed in bed with the covers over your head & never once peaked out from under them.

Ever have a day like that?
My day was yesterday.

The dork in me was smiling up a storm as I walked down my street early in the morning.
Early morning walk?...why the hell not?
Hubby had just left for work.
As I saw him remote the garage door closed in slow motion...
My mood was shot.
Crap...I'm LOCKED OUT!

I ran like a maroon after him...arms wildly waving.

I had my iPod on which for some reason made me forget to scream while I was doing this.
He drove on.

Shit, shit, shit.

Don't you just hate that feeling?
From idiotic euphoria to feeling totally & completely powerlessly incapacitated in under 3.2 seconds.

All I had with me was my good sense & my iPod.

I ran over to the neighbor's house (who I barely know...but she was home...so she needed to be my buddy at the moment, damn it).
I told her my dilemma & she let me use her phone.
I called Hubby & left a message...ugh...answer damn it!
(but I was all sugar & sweet dumbness...'cuz neighbor lady has listening in).
I was dying to just shout into the phone...
FUCK...I'm LOCKED the fuck out!
Anyway, once done with the phone I left.

I checked all my doors & windows.
locked up tighty tight.

Maybe he'd turn around when he gets my message.
I can wait.
I don't need rescuing.
I don't.

I went to the back of my house & jogged in place on the patio.
I jogged for one song.
Two songs.
Three songs.

No rescuing yet!

Now not only was I cold & outside...
I'd just added sweat to the mix.
"What an asshole"...I thought about my out on the street self.

I sat for what seemed like hours on my front porch.
OK...it actually WAS hours.

I walked to the end of my street & back.
Still no sign of any of the help that I wished I hadn't had to ask for in the first bleeping place.

I actually tried to break down the front door with my shoulder.
I ran into it with about 90% force.
(I held 10% back for the shear stupidity of it).
Ouch...didn't budge anyway.

I studied my garden for a good rock to jam through my window.
I found one & wound up like a relief pitcher in the bottom of the 8th with 2 outs & a full count.
I hesitated.
I really didn't want to hurt my home.
Did I have a choice?

SLAM, CRASH...& I jammed my arm through the hole I'd just created.
I should have cleared the glass first...but the adrenaline was pumping & I was ALMOST IN!

I can not tell you the absolute combination of satisfaction stirred with guilt, mixed with relief I felt upon opening the front door & being on the inside again at last.

Monday, October 09, 2006


Random Monday

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A random photo to go with the rest of the random-ness here today...but I DO wish I was there...

Listening to Georgie-boy or anyone for that matter say, nucular 'stead of nuclear makes me mad.

Looking in the mirror this morning as I was getting dressed, my thoughts were: ok...suck in the stomach...yes...better...hmmm...no way to suck in the butt...clenching helps a little...but still...(as Peewee says...there's always a big butt).

Driving to work, my thoughts were: I know I shouldn't have just taken a huge gulp of boiling hot tea... then it started lava-ing it's way down my throat...as my esophagus was burning & it moved down through my stomach lining to finally melt my spleen...I thought...too late to spit...yeah...that's what I thought.

Friday, October 06, 2006


My Panty Tense Story

A couple of months ago I had more tension in my body than I knew what to do with...so I booked a massage. Don’t say it...I know there are better ways to relieve friggin tension...believe you me...I know that (whatever that means...I never understood sticking you in there when clearly me would have been sufficient).

For some reason, my mind can’t seem to stay on track with this story...but have faith...I’ll get there (if not, what’s the point? Where’s the release?).

OK, I'm focusing. I booked a massage at a swanky spa that a friend had highly recommended. I walked in feeling more stressed than ever. Just walking through the doors to the locker room & starting to undress made my blood pressure go up. I was supposed to put on this big fluffy robe & saunter out to the waiting area...but stood frozen, looking at the robe thinking, What should I do? Leave them on or take then off? Yes, I’m talking a real panty dilemma here. Either way, I didn’t want to be rude. I took them off...no, didn’t feel right...on they went again along with the robe.

After what felt like hours in the waiting area (with other women...one of whom kept cramming the most darling looking tea sandwiches down her gullet & washing them down with water & a splash of lemon) my masseuse, Christopher showed up & called my name.

He was tall, blonde & thin with an either gay or arty air about him (sometimes it’s hard to tell). He pretty much herded me (honestly, it was more like a light shoving & I didn’t take that as a good sign) into a private little room. He did the ol’, “I’ll leave the room while you take your robe off & get under the sheet” thing & I did.

I still couldn’t relax because the room was set up for a bad seduction scene. The scented candles were lit, the walls were painted a creamy yellow, the sound of softly running water was coming from somewhere (relaxing no, pee inducing, yes). Christopher came back in.

I have to tell you, I didn’t have much hope of getting anything out of this massage from the way things had started but...about halfway through this ‘lurve fest’ he did this thing with his forearm on the small of my back (I dunno...something about the pressure of his weight into me) while he was pressing down on me...I involuntarily let out this...AAAAAAHHHHHH...sound, my body shook (& I’m not kidding) all the breath left my body (& my spirit flew...ok...now I’m kidding). Christopher looked a bit satisfied with himself...or smug (& I looked like Jello)...but I didn't care either way he was getting a big tip.

Next time (oh yes, there will be a next time) I’ll take the panties off & see where the day takes us (kidding...saw that coming...didn’t you?).

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


What's in your bag right now?

Just curious...

OK...if that doesn't apply...

What's in your pockets? (or are you just happy to see me?).

Me? I've got (excluding the wallet...'cuz that would take forever):

Car keys
Work ID
A receipt from Gray's in Duck, NC for beach flippies from August.
Many Tiffany dry-cleaning receipts
Coupons for Eddie Bauers
100 calorie pack filled with goldfish
A map of the Boston "T"
My iPod
A Borders gift certificate
A stone from that time at the thing
Cell phone
The cable for my camera
Tide to Go stain stick
My fav. Uniball pen
Purell hand sanitizer
Clinique (Bronze Glow) lipstick
Hand lotion
Keys to Mom's house
Can not go anywhere without my cherry Chapstick.

Fuck it...don't answer me...this is boring...why'd I think this would be a good idea for a post?

Monday, October 02, 2006


I'm Back

I had a great time in Minneapolis. The city has got a much funkier skyline than I expected, don’t ya think? I didn’t have much time there, so I tried to cram it all in. In a day & a half...I:

Walked around the city.
Sampled the local beer.
Got my first glimpse of the Mississippi.
Ran a red light ( their lights are on the side...who’d see that?).
Saw some arty, art.
Shopped at the mall to end all malls.
Saw Santana pitch.
Froze...just a little.

HERE are the rest of my photos...view them in reverse order(the site loaded them backwards...which seems oddly fitting & I have no idea why).

Why was I obsessed with seeing this spoon sculpture? Why?

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