I swore that I wasn't going to shop this weekend. The crowds tend to give me spasms. But the bargains this year were too good to resist. So there I stood on Saturday afternoon, two sleeping bags in my arms for my nephews, along with nail polish for me & a lava lamp for a friend's kid. I stood in line to pay...it was a looong line. I started to sweat. Why do they keep it so hot in most stores? I didn't have any way to take my coat off without dropping everything...so I let the sweat drip down my back...what else could I do?

The line wasn't moving. The guy in front of me was buying condoms with a vibrating ring (a novel idea) & socks. He looked like a guy who'd have sex in his socks (but the vibrating ring surprised me...he just didn't look that original with his cheesy mustache & ugly shoes...but who am I to make assumptions?). The line still wasn't moving...so I tried to picture condom guy actually having sex with his nifty new condoms...but all that came to mind was him putting on the condom & the ring & all that vibrating. I laughed out loud when I thought of him standing there with a quivering penis & his socks. He looked back at me & shifted the condoms in his hands so that I could no longer see them. I shifted the sleeping bags in my arms so that one was jammed between him & me (one move to the right on his part & my balance would be shot).

The girl at the front of the line was paying by check...what the hell? It seems she divided up her purchases into three piles...one payed for by check, one payed for by the stinkin change in her pocketbook (Penny by penny!) & the other payed for with what seemed to be a stolen debit card (she tried a bunch of times to come up with a PIN #). She didn't even care that she was holding up a line of angry shoppers...so I didn't care when I started shouting out combinations of numbers for her to try...she didn't laugh...but I saw condom guy grin (or twitch...I'm not sure...maybe he was practicing his vibrating skills).

When I finally got out of there...I sat in my car with my sweat freezing to my skin...wondering if there's a switch on that damn vibrating condom & was it strategically placed for optimal pleasure...because that might be a good thing.