Once in a while he pops up in my head.

We were high school freshman.

Too young to drive.

So our mom's took turns picking us up from practice after school & sometimes on Saturdays too.

We weren't really friends.

He was even shyer than me.

Was that the reason for the tiny crush I were sort of getting on him?

He was small (like me).

He wore thick glasses & was sort of bookish in a serious way.

(unlike me who wore no specks & my bookishness tended toward the goofy).

He name was Robert...never Rob or Bobby.

We'd sit in the back of the car & make whichever parent was driving feel like a taxi driver or a chauffeur.

I'd try to get him to talk to me & when that inevitably failed I'd chat up the driver.

He surprisingly showed up at the freshman dance.

I was thrilled & in my little kid-like excitement I asked him to dance.

No...he said, & looked at the floor.

I was crushed...but I had my pack of girlie friends to fall back on.

I could see his friends kidding him from across the room.

Shoving him in my direction.

Nope...he danced with no one that night.

He always looked lost to me.

But somehow I knew that he was sweet & funny & I wanted to know him.

I still remember that day is biology class.

You know when class is interrupted for any reason it's usually not good.

I remember the look my teacher came back into the room with.

His face was white as a sheet.

He just got the news that Robert had died.

The administration came up with some ridiculous story

about Robert accidentally getting tangled in some rope

while trying to perform a trick or something.

Um...what?!

That made no sense.

The school offered free counseling.

Which no one took advantage of

Why would they?

No real issues would be addressed

because the fact that Robert actually hung himself

from the big tree in his back yard

never fit neatly with the official scenario the school handed down to us.

There's still a place in my heart that hurts for him

& that spot in my soul that wanted to know him will probably always ache.

Labels: Childhood, Ouch