Labels: inspiration, Ouch

See that car?

There's a real live nun in there.

I took the photo with my phone

after inadvertently flipping her the bird

because she triggered one of those traffic lights

that only go off if someone is on a side street waiting to turn onto

this particular road.

(her light turned green making mine turn red).

I didn't realize it until the fires of hell

were already on me that she was a nun.

I know if she saw what I did

she'd have pulled me over right away

& hit my knuckles with the same ruler

that Sister Beatrice used to smack

my 7 year old hands when she saw I had actually worn nail polish to school.

I can still feel the burn.

OK, maybe I stand by my actions after all.

Labels: Cell Phone Photo, Ouch

Want to know WHY I fell off the treadmill?

You might have done the same thing, you know.

Would you laugh?

I would.

First of all…

I used to think that

cardio cinema was the coolest idea.

They play a movie & you workout while watching in the dark.

So, I watched Big yesterday on the treadmill.

When I tried to do the right thing & clean off the machine when I was done

Here’s the part where I hit the switch on the right

Thinking it was the off switch

But it turned out to be the (stay)on switch

Getting off was no problem

When I tried to get back on & clean off the machine

The problem was that the damn thing was still moving

I went down like a rock

My left elbow skidded nicely along the moving treadmill

& I landed on the gym floor with a splat.

It was only then that I was thinking that the darkness might be a good thing after all.

Labels: Ouch

Piss me off.

You couldn't today because I'm already there.

Maybe it's a good distraction from everything else going on in my life right now.

Damn state troopers pulled me over again.

I tried to get a photo...but he was hovering...so here's the best I could do.

I was doing 85 in a 65 MPH zone.

Come on...it's a straight away flat road & there was barely anyone on it.

What would you do?

Fuck, I'd still be there if I was going 65.



He gave me this written warning & took my get out of jail free card away.

Hey, that's mine...what the hell?!

At least I have to pay nothing this time...but going the speed limit might just kill me.

Labels: Currently, Ouch, Photo a Day, Photos

Once in a while he pops up in my head.

We were high school freshman.

Too young to drive.

So our mom's took turns picking us up from practice after school & sometimes on Saturdays too.

We weren't really friends.

He was even shyer than me.

Was that the reason for the tiny crush I were sort of getting on him?

He was small (like me).

He wore thick glasses & was sort of bookish in a serious way.

(unlike me who wore no specks & my bookishness tended toward the goofy).

He name was Robert...never Rob or Bobby.

We'd sit in the back of the car & make whichever parent was driving feel like a taxi driver or a chauffeur.

I'd try to get him to talk to me & when that inevitably failed I'd chat up the driver.

He surprisingly showed up at the freshman dance.

I was thrilled & in my little kid-like excitement I asked him to dance.

No...he said, & looked at the floor.

I was crushed...but I had my pack of girlie friends to fall back on.

I could see his friends kidding him from across the room.

Shoving him in my direction.

Nope...he danced with no one that night.

He always looked lost to me.

But somehow I knew that he was sweet & funny & I wanted to know him.

I still remember that day is biology class.

You know when class is interrupted for any reason it's usually not good.

I remember the look my teacher came back into the room with.

His face was white as a sheet.

He just got the news that Robert had died.

The administration came up with some ridiculous story

about Robert accidentally getting tangled in some rope

while trying to perform a trick or something.

Um...what?!

That made no sense.

The school offered free counseling.

Which no one took advantage of

Why would they?

No real issues would be addressed

because the fact that Robert actually hung himself

from the big tree in his back yard

never fit neatly with the official scenario the school handed down to us.

There's still a place in my heart that hurts for him

& that spot in my soul that wanted to know him will probably always ache.

Labels: Childhood, Ouch

(yeah, that's what I looked like.)

I wasn't having the best time of it anyway...

THEN, when I was walking back from picking up a quick lunch...

I tripped on the line where the carpet meets the tile floor.

I went straight down like a cartoon character fainting.

Only forward.

Straight down.

My body didn't bend at all.

My left hand smacked the floor in a stupid effort to have me.

My veggie burger flew out of my right hand & skidded on the floor.

Ketchup spewed out in front of me.

As I hit the floor I heard a small noise.

I remember thinking that it sounded oddly

like the sound my Barbies used to make as my little brother was snapping off their heads.

Strange what goes through your mind sometimes.

(also, odd that he had such a fascination with making all my dolls disabled).

I realized that the sound actually was my ribs on my idiotic left side hitting the tile.

I really did think that my boobs would cushion me better than that.

& yeah, they currently hurt like hell too now.

A very nice guy picked me up by my good hand.

I thanked him for not laughing.

He told me I looked shaken up & sat me in a chair in the lobby.

I'd probably laugh if I saw someone else take an ungraceful tumble like that.

But he didn't & I sat there & tried with all my stupid might not to cry.

Sitting hurt...so I left work early & went to one of those emergency medicine places.

Turns out I cracked a rib & sprained my wrist.

I'm taking my bow now & giving myself the thumbs up sign for putting on such a good show.

Labels: Ouch

Sorry for the week long absence.

It's been a sad time here.

My sweet fatherinlaw passed away unexpectedly early Sunday morning.

You NEVER, ever expect things like this.

Even though you know every life will end.

You never think it will be TODAY.

The 1st half of the week I couldn't eat a thing.

Then, a dear friend of mine sent a colossal basket of muffins.

My immediate response was...

I shoved 3 into my mouth & tried to chew.

I think I have a problem.

In any case, I think I'm going to try to make this week a little extra beautiful.

Labels: Ouch

You saw him at Dunkin Donuts.

You saw him when you were standing at the back of the line.

You only went there because there was no time to linger in Starbuck's.

...no time to criss-cross your legs in an almost comfortable overstuffed chair with your fake chai tea & your paper that you'd pretend to read instead of get caught people watching or worst of all sulking.

If you had to guess you'd think he might be 18.

You wonder how long he's had that terrible acne (the kind where you look for a place to rest your eyes where there isn't redness or bumps that look like they hurt).

You feel worse when you see his stubbly neck. At first glance you think the giant red...(or is it closer to purple?) spots are hickies...there's one GIANT one on each side of his neck for balance.

You even consider kidding him about it (you figured if he had the confidence about it to flaunt those big honker spots in broad daylight on a Sunday in March, you might as well acknowledge it).

You finally get to the front of the line & end up saying nothing about any of it.

You order your tea & look directly into his blue eyes while shoving five bucks into the tip jar.

Labels: Currently, Ouch

Anyone out there ever been in any kind of therapy?

I'm thinking about it but it scares the fuck out of me.

Sort of reminds me of Snapple.

Bear with me here:

You know that gunk at the bottom of the Snapple bottle?

Starting therapy sort of feels like shaking the bottle.

What will I do with all that yucky gunk...

Once it's not neatly at the bottom anymore?

Labels: Currently, Help, Ouch

I only tell you that...because I have to go sit in his chair tomorrow morning & inevitably stare up at his thousands of framed posters of Derick Jeter & Wade Boggs & Darryl Strawberry & Paul O'Neill...he goes way back & yes...I am tormented by these faces while I'm being held captive in his chair. It's either look up the doc's nose or eyeball Joe Torre. Can I have another choice please, please, PLEASE?!

...& I DARE not tell him that I'm a Redsox fan...I almost let it slip last time I was there...then I thought better of it. I know how yankees fans can be & this man is skilled with drills & huge needles & PAIN. I just know that the second the words...Big Papi dribbled out of my mouth...he'd instantly run out of novocaine & the unmedicated torture would begin.

Although...I have to give him a smidge of credit for not having one single photo of A-hole up there (he's only got World Series yanks pics...so really why would he have A-hole up there?). Way to go, Doc (please don't hurt me).

Labels: Baseball, Ouch

I recently read an article about a doctor in LA who...I can't believe this...injects a dose of human collagen into women's G-spots...um...in order to enlarge it & make it easier to find.

Ouch...a hundred times...ouch. Please, yes, let's see where it hurts in order to make it feel orgasmic later. What the hell am I missing here?

If you can't find it, women, I can think of 74 easier, less painful ways to find it that might...imagine this?...even be fun.

Labels: Ouch

You wait about a century too long...

You rise from your chair...

...thinking about nothing but floods & waterfalls & fast running streams...

You begin walking to the bathroom...

...while trying to squeeze your legs together at the same time...

(which makes you almost fall & wouldn't that be a mess?)

Your shoes are clicking on the floor to the rhythm of ...please don't pee...please don't pee...running through your brain.

You barely make it to your safe haven in time & swear to your bladder that you'll never, ever do that again.

Labels: Ouch

I've been having a klutzy couple of days lately...but I'll break it down into a few posts so as not to completely scare you away.

The other day I happily dragged my-fatter-than-last-year ass down to the gym.

I worked out on many frightening ass torture machines & was getting ready for a post work out victory shower when several things conspired against me:

1. I was running late (a staple in my world)...it's seriously like I do not know how to function if I'm actually beginning to run early.

2. I was physically exhausted & my legs were tired from holding up my over worked butt.

3. My gym bag has an extra long strap.

4. Being naked in public has a strange (although not altogether unpleasant) effect on my composure & well being.

I stood there, wrapped in a towel, my girlie shower things in my hands & took one step forward.

My back leg got tangled in my gym bag's straps & decided to stay anchored where it was...while my front leg happily continued on.

In response to all this...my body decided that rather than take sides...it would go neither forward or backward...but thrust itself straight down with a thud.

I was so glad that the locker room was completely empty.

If you had been there all you would have seen through your veil of hysterical tears was a blur of arms, legs, green towel, pasty white skin & pink nipples all headed for the carpet with a splat.

...P.S. I think I hurt my spleen.

Labels: Ouch