Labels: Holidays

I was going to post my "Reasons Why I am Not a Lesbian" list here.

But why would I list them under a "Merry Christmas" title?

Makes as much sense as listing 'em anywhere I guess.

But no, I'll save them for another post.

I need a title for it though...got a good one?

(He looked like that only with longer hair, no scruff & a nicer smile)

The previous post reminded me of someone from my past.

Just someone I went to school with.

His name was Winston J. & I wouldn't call us friends.

In grade school we were put into an "exceptional child" program together.

I'm still not sure if we were selected because we were brilliant or slightly retarded...not that it matters...we were lumped together...like it or not.

I kind of think we were used as lab rats to see if children can learn without desks & rules & set curriculum (not to mention a teacher that shouted at us constantly & seemed to like when you'd cry...I can still hear her saying to me...as I sobbed & snot ran down my face & onto my favorite purple sweater with the multi colored buttons that absolutely clashed with my slobber...she'd say cruel things like..."that's it...let it all out"...I mean, really? How condescending is that?).

Years later we found ourselves in homeroom together every morning during our freshmen year of high school. They'd group us alphabetically (because doing it any other way would require more thought than they wanted to give). We were both "J"s...so we'd find ourselves sitting next to each other first thing in the morning for every day of high school & that was that.

We'd chat about our weekends or he'd pull my bra strap back & let it go so it would make a loud sound & give me welts that were hysterical if you were him & scarring if you happened to be me.

One day I asked him what he did on the weekend & he said he partied with Michelle. I looked at him blankly (because it was early in the morning & also, I didn't know who Michelle was). He explained that I'd know her as Mrs. Series. Hmmm...that was odd...our French & Spanish teacher from grade school was Mrs. Series. Huh? He was partying with THAT Mrs. Series?

We were 14 & she was...MRS. SERIES. My brain couldn't compute...but now that I look back on it...she was about 28 & separated from her husband...& he was 14 & exceptional...that makes it ok, right?

Labels: Childhood

Phone rings at 6:30 AM & I do not answer it.

The message comes on & the caller hangs up.

2 minutes later.

Ring, ring.

I answer it thinking it must be important (& the phone with caller ID is down stairs).

Me: Hello? (I think that's what I said...but at 6:30 so it's anyone's guess).

Spencer Winston: Is Vernon there?

Me: No one here by that name.

SW: Is this 832#^&*%!__(*?

Me: (Saying nothing while some undetectable by me series of numbers bounces around my head so damn early in the morning).

SW: Hangs up.

6:32 AM...ring, ring...

I don't answer...but I now have his name & number etched in my caller ID log.

What time to you think would be appropriate to call him none stop in the morning for 11 straight weekend days in a row? Should I be rude or nice as pie? What sort of accent should I speak with? Should I be wearing pants when I call?

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine tonight relaxing (isn't my laptop lovely?).

It's supposed to snow like a mother tomorrow.

I think I'll have more wine tonight.

I have the TV on & I just sat through a Rachel Ray Dunkin Donuts commercial.

If she says delish...one more time I'm going to kill the bitch (with pain).



You have to love rubber ducky pj's...don't you?

That red blanket is electric...it heats up to what feels like 1,000 degrees & that just about feels right.

Hmmm...what else can I bore you with?

I had a conversation with a woman today & she told me she was an overachiever...huh? What? The flow of conversation stopped dead right after that...what else could I say? Yes, you are right, you're an awesome woman who deserves to be bowed down to & honored like the goddess that you are...too much? How about...check please?

I think I'll drink more wine & visit some of you.

I went to the new Apple store opening last night.

(Look at Apple's photo...what? No crowds?!)



I don't know what I was thinking.

The line was around the block.

(Reality really is cold...& it winds around the corners).



It was so bad that every time they let a group of new people in...the crowd cheered.

There were people trying to sell hot coffee to us morons on line for 3 bucks.

They were potentially giving away touch screen iPods & iMacs (what...no iPhones?)

...but I would have settled for a t-shirt.



We waited for 45 minutes in the cold & never made it to within site of the front door.

I think I got wrapped up in the excitement because lines are not normally my thing.

Certain parts of my body are still cold & unfulfilled.

Is that the thanks I get for being a Mac nerd?

Labels: Photos

Damn it...how did I rip my pants at work today?

Want to know?

It was a small rip on the seam on my right thigh.

You'd have thought I'd have ripped 'em right up the ass...but luckily, no.

So I just pulled my sweater down low over my hips & down to cover up the exposed skin.

I was in the middle of a yoga pose in the ladies room...

(I've heard of people doing stranger things in there).

When I heard that awful RIPPING sound that we all dread.
Checked my ass first...like I said...nope.

Then I checked the cuffs by my shoes

(since I was down there anyway)

No rip there either.

Just when I thought I was home free

I spied the tear by my sewn shut pocket.

Damn.

Not a bad photo for a cell phone, huh?

Within the span of a couple of hours I...

Pinched a stranger's butt...

(I thought it was someone I knew...um...but it wasn't her...ooooppps).

Created an avalanche in Sam's Club...

(I needed the electric blanket that was on a high shelf...so I climbed up a little bit & pulled...most of the falling merchandise didn't hit me in the head).

Rammed a shopping cart into an attentive dad's butt as he bent over to pick up his kid's mitten...

(I was coming around the corner fast & I got the feeling that he wanted the cart impaled up his anus anyway).

Unwittingly ate a piece if tin foil...

(My sandwich was wrapped in it & the piece I ate was the size of a spec...but it still made my teeth tingle).

Almost ran put of gas while side swiping a fat bush on the side of the road...

(My need to pee because it was so cold overtook my common sense).