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...a male & female point of view...We are two former coworkers who share similar ideas on what's absurd...or just plain funny...thought we could offer a unique view on life & stuff...

Monday, January 31, 2005

 

A Hopeless Romantic?!

Dick, do you have to always start a post with a 'dig' at me?
I know, you're not trying to be offensive, that's just...you.
(BTW, there is no such thing as a 'gay' question, you imbecile...)
OK, that's done, I'm glad that you FINALLY took the time to actually
post something.

Your joke was odious, but funny.

Creator is a good little movie (you made me watch it once, remember?...I cried
when Virginia Madsen was in a coma...come on...I'm human). I happen to be
a big fan of 'little' movies so, I don't mean that in a derogatory way
(although...Dick will probably take it that way).
I don't exactly believe in perfect love either...but I do believe people
either take for granted, or totally miss opportunities to love that
are right in front of them. It's a ginormous (thanks for the great word, Cate)
effort to keep love going.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how
to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
~Anais Nin

I think what Dick is trying to say...but he's embarrassed to come right out
with it...is...he's a hopeless romantic (how else can his obsession
with that movie be explained?...Dick, you are a big sap
(& I mean that in a good way).

Saturday, January 29, 2005

 

5 Questions, a Joke, a wedding and a funeral

I guess it's my turn to type, since it's been "mostly Chick". First I'll do her gay 5 questions. 1st, Tony Randall this guy marries someone 30 years younger than him, he died happy. 2, what event would I most like to have seen, maybe Catherine Zeta Jones getting pregnant. 3, This one's easy, which cartoon would I like to live with? Only the hottest cartoon ever made Jessica Rabbit, (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?). 4, Any Keane song is great. 5, What are you doing or have done in response to the tsunami? Is this the gayest question ever? Actually there is something I have done, and that's to stay as far inland as I can.

OK Joke Time:
A father takes his daughter to Planned Parenthood. He asks the lady behind the desk for information on birth control, the lady responds, "Oh is your daughter sexually active?" to which the father answers, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

My question to everyone is "What is your favorite movie?" This always amazes me. Because I think it tells a lot about a person. My favorite is a movie called "Creator". www.imdb.com
Peter O'Toole, Vincent Spano, Virginia Madsen, are all great in it. I just love the characters and how they interact with each other. The reason I think I love it so much is because Boris a young, smart good looking guy is trying to find that perfect love. While Dr. Harry Walper had that perfect love, his wife Lucy, but she died. It's all about getting your perfect love. Something I've always wanted but I think doesn't exists. Think about it, Romeo and Juliette would have been divorced after about five years, too much turmoil! Even Richard Gere would have been calling Julia Roberts "You dirty, stinkn' whore!!" in a couple of years after she gets bored from all of her husbands travelling and decides to turn some tricks again to spice things up. That's when George Castanza finally gets some! .....Well, lets live in fantasy land for a moment. What if there was such a thing as true love, soul mate, then you need to watch Creator.
Harry says, "I look behind me there, there into the room, and there's Lucy stark naked and pregnant as a pelican. Holding her Miss New Jersey bathing suit, tears rolling down her face, because she couldn't fit into her swimsuit any more, and I think I loved her more at that moment then I thought it was possible to love anyone." Later that night Boris tells Harry he had a dream about how much Harry loved his wife. Boris says he woke up crying and then says "I want to love someone so bad like that Harry it hurts." I could give you line by line because I've seen it over a hundred times.
But, then again it's all just bullshit right?

Friday, January 28, 2005

 

Friday Joke

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her nonna ( Grandmother ) said: "Sit here and let me tell you
about those young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that,
...but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that,
...but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you.
You are going to like that too,
...but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went
just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried, I just turned over, got
on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Nonna fainted.



Thursday, January 27, 2005

 

5 Questions

1. What public figure's passing affected you most in 2004?

I’d have to say, Rodney Dangerfield. I mean, how can you not miss a guy
who says things like, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.”
His site makes me smile too.

2. What event (recently) would you have most liked to have witnessed first hand?

The end of Average Joe’s streak. Could that be considered an event?

3. What cartoon would you go live in for a week or a month?

Easy...Kim Possible (you’re right, Andy). All the characters are so fucking cute! I could have such fun being drawn that way.
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4. What song have you been listening to alot?

Sunday Morning by Maroon5. I play it over & over...I know I’ll be sick of it soon.

5. What are you doing or have done in response to the tsunami?

I’m planning on giving blood at the blood bank. I know, this has nothing
to do with the tragedy in East Asia, but it’s a life affirming
thing to do. And the are very low on supplies, so, I figure, this helps humanity
as a whole.

Brought to you by: Cheddar X

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

 

Not My Husband

He asked me to marry him. We had just finished our second year of college.
It wasn’t so much a proposal of marriage as it was an invitation to save him
from drowning. (I came to this conclusion years latter). At the time, I immersed
myself in the question for about a minute, then said yes. We’d have a happy
life, I’d devote myself to it, make absolutely sure that it happened.

How positively young & naive (let’s not forget... stupid) I was to think I could
have a happy life with this guy. K was always the life of the party...even when
there was no party. He was always the center of attention, making people
laugh. But when he was down, he was WAY down. He’d get in these moods
& become so blue that I couldn’t reach him. If I persisted & tried to help
him out of his funk...BAM...the verbal abuse would start. He’d go into a tirade
& call me every name in the book. He’d always be very sorry later. He’d come to
my dorm room with flowers & jewelry...he even wanted to give me his
car once...(like I said...I was young & stupid at the time...I’d kill to have that
car now...did I mention it was a Corvette?).

After being engaged for a week, I gave him his ring back. Being with him was
always exhausting & I didn’t think I could survive a lifetime of
his hit or miss behavior.

If I had married him, today I’d be a corvette driving, insane woman
with a huge ring...& those things wouldn’t have made up for the lifetime
of rescuing & abuse I would have been in for.

Monday, January 24, 2005

 

This Morning

Getting dressed in the locker room at the gym this morning,
I heard a shriek.

I turned around & heard...eeeewwww!!!

The totally naked girl across the row from me was standing there,
covered in (gym supplied) moisturizer & making a grossed out face.
(what would you do, if you were me?). I asked her what the problem was.
She said the moisturizer smelled really bad (& when I say she was covered
in it...this girl put lotion in places I wouldn’t even think of putting it).

I then proceeded to pick up the bottle of moisturizer, bring it extremely close
to my face & inhale. Damn if the girl wasn’t right. The stuff smelled like
overripe fruit that had been sitting in the sun too long. It smelled spoiled.

I dissolved in a fit of laughing. She told me it smelled bad...& yet my first
instinct was to get a nice big whiff of the stank myself.
We both started laughing.

Friday, January 21, 2005

 

Cute Strangers & Oatmeal

There I stood in the supermarket, looking at the selection of oatmeal.
All I wanted was the small canister of Quaker oats. Did they have
the small size? No, the only size they had was super-colossal.

As I stood there in my frustration, these words came out of my mouth,
“they’re all too fucking big.” I didn’t even realize I had said it out loud,
but I did. The (kinda cute) stranger within earshot laughed,
raised his eyebrows & smiled.

I love it when a connection like that happens.
Too bad we lost track of each other somewhere in the frozen food aisle.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

 

50 Things: By Dick

01. The person I love most in life is my son.
02. I pray every day that his mommy dies.
03. I'm actually a nice guy besides #2.
04. I trust my life with Chick, do anything for her.
05. I'm taking a drug to make me "happy".
06. I'm overweight and can't stand it anymore.
07. Lost my virginity when I was about 16 or 17.
08. Her name was Eileen Kelly, pretty w/big boobs.
09. The second of the 3 virgins I had was the night of the 6th game of the 86 world series, Mets and Redsox.
10. I hate liars.
11. I'm a vegetarian, because I love animals.
12. I was very religious, now I'm not.
13. Believe in God, but, feel we are all on our own down here.
14. In addition to #2, I hate fucking Muslims. Fuck you, you smelly, dirty pricks!
15. I would not mind going into Iraq.
16. I sleep too much.
17. I have no hobbies, I'm pathetic.
18. My football team sucks.
19. I have a beautiful fiancée.
20. She made me a great dinner tonight and served it to me. Made me feel special.
21. We have the best sex life, because we are totally comfortable with each other. That means everything.
22. This is the longest I think I have ever been with one person where I haven't cheated on them. I still have no desire to do so.
23. I think I'm waiting for that one thing to happen that'll change my life, nothing yet.
24. Favorite color is purple.
25. I love clouds, big puffy ones.
26. I love looking up at the stars, could do it all night long.
27. Would love to learn to fly.
28. The answer to life: Have enough money. Then anything or anyone is yours.
29. Manners is everything. My son has fantastic manners, he learned it from his dad.
30. There are things about me NO ONE knows.
31. I think volunteering is the coolest thing to do.
32. I work too much.
33. I could be a better dad.
34. I love music, nice guitar or piano songs with one singer, folk stuff.
35. Want to go to Ireland.
36. Never left this country.
37. I feel I will die early of a heart attack.
38. Ever since my mom died at 49, I haven't thought much about her, which makes me feel insensitive.
39. I have high blood pressure.
40. I used to draw well.
41. I think growing up I turned more jaded and republican, maybe it's the same thing.
42. I'm afraid of water, well just drowning in the water, really.
43. Wish I had more friends.
44. Love taking personality tests.
45. I love big breasts, God I love 'em.
46. I'm white as a ghost, in grammar school, they called me chalkman.
47. I was in the same room with a president.
48. Had tonsils, apendix removed, double hernia when a baby. Broken arm and been hit by a car and didn't break anything almost my skull.
49. Worked a White Castle.
50. Did I mention...my son is my world.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

 

Chick’s 50 Things

1. I lost my virginity at 21 years old, on my older sister’s wedding night.
2. She lost her’s the same night at 23.
3. I’m the shortest adult in my family.
4. My father once punched a guy in my defense.
5. I love all animals...except spiders.
6. I have an irrational fear of spiders.
7. I’m a quiet person, except when I speak too loudly, which is all the time.
8. I have a love of flowers & digging in the dirt.
9. I’ve always had a garden.
10. I’ve always had a pet.
11. My favorite time of day is evening.
12. I’ve been in 2 car crashes while driving too fast.
13. I looove chocolate.
14. I love to swim.
15. My favorite 3 places in the world are: Cape Cod, Napa Valley, CA & Dingle, Ireland.
16. I wish I was more extroverted.
17. I have 3 visible scars.
18. I don’t mind scars at all, they usually have an interesting story to tell.
19. I know the latin names for most flowers.
20. I’ve kissed one girl & one girl kissed me.
21. There’s something about a man in uniform...
22. I’ve broken 4 bones in my body.
23. 3 of them at the same time.
24. I have a very visual & active imagination.
25. I have to drink a gallon of water, & tilt my head back, in order to swallow any pill, but I don’t mind swallowing.
26. I’ve been stalked.
27. I used to have a thing for redheads.
28. I can count the number of men I’ve slept with on one hand, excluding my husband.
29. I’ve a met president.
30. I sporadically read a lot.
31. Photography is one of my passions.
32. I’ve been proposed to 3 times, said yes twice & been married once.
33. I can stand on my head.
34. My husband is the only person on this planet that can make me so mad, that I want to hit him (& not in a good way).
35. My best friend is the least judgmental person I know.
36. Hiking gives me peace.
37. I like history because it tells a story.
38. I’m a movie buff.
39. When I entered college, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.
40. Most porn just doesn’t do it for me.
41. I love laying in the sun...but I can’t tan.
42. My younger sister lost her virginity before I did...it was with a coke head who I had told her to stay away from.
43. Smithwick’s is my favorite beer.
44. I love anything silk.
45. I have had sex outside, in the rain...& I’ll always remember it.
46. My favorite restaurant has no menus & the chef always says...trust me, I’ll make you something delicious, & he always does.
47. My first real kiss was when I was 14.
48. I have freakishly small feet.
49. I love shoes, but I don’t have that many pairs...because, they rarely have my size.
50. I can keep a secret.

Monday, January 17, 2005

 
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"The trouble with resisting temptation
is that you may not get another chance".


~Edwin Chapin

Isn't he a cutie?

Have truer words been spoken?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

 

Name Something...

Feel like playing my game today?

Name something you would NOT do in public, that most people would do:

Blow my nose, really, when you think about it, do I want anyone to know
how much snot I have inside of me? It seems to me, this should be kept private.

Name something you WOULD do in public, that most people would not do:

Take my stockings off (if I have to even wear them in the first place)
...what are you going to see, anyway?

Name one recent fashion statement you could do without:

Have you seen those teeny, tiny half sweaters grown women are wearing?
You know, the one’s that are really only sleeves (don't they defeat the purpose
of wearing a sweater?).

Name one article of clothing you love though you know it's wrong:

I happen to own every imaginable style of maryjane shoe known to woman
(from flats, to very high pumps). Some of them are...well...just plain ugly
...but that doesn’t make me love them any less.

Name one thing (just one) you generally find physically attractive about the opposite sex:

It’s difficult to choose just one. Today, I’ll choose hands. Nice hands that are
well groomed, but not girlie, do it for me. Strong, powerful hands are
always a turn on.


Name one thing (still, just one) you generally find attractive physically about the your own sex:

Nothing beats a girl with a nice ass. It’s easy to fake other things.
You can make your boobs look better than they are with the right underwear,
but lovely asses are much harder to fake.

Name one thing you generally find emotionally admirable about the opposite sex:

Men have such a hardness about them (sure, there’s the obvious),
but there’s also a defined toughness that women don’t have in the same way.
I think that men are more powerfully tough in the moment,
where women have a strong endurance about themselves (ourselves?).

Name one thing you generally find attractive physically about the your own sex:

See above.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

 

Sick Day

I actually took a sick day yesterday...something I NEVER do.
Of course, I take the occasional day off, from time to time,
but I hate to stay home just because I'm sick.
I mean, I can be sick & miserable at work just as easily as at home...

...why waste the precious day off actually being sick?

So, I sat home, read some blogs & watched some really bad TV
(where does Jerry Springer find these people...anyway?!).
I slept & drank 3,000 cups of tea & ate 7,000 clementines
(I was trying to jam all the vitamin C I could into my body
to fight this damn cold).

I’m back at work today feeling better & infecting my coworkers
with my vile, plague-like symptoms.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

 

Intern

Today I walked past a sound stage I briefly spent some time working in when
I was a college student. This memory came flooding back to me.

My father got me a summer intern job for a production company that produced
commercials. The director was a friend of my father’s. I showed up on my first
day full of enthusiasm. It didn’t take long for me to feel like I was being fed
to the lions. All these people had jobs to do & not much got in their way.
I was newbie girl & as a production assistant, all the shit jobs fell to me.
I didn’t mind that much. It was still a chance to get a feel for the business
& find out just what the heck I wanted to do for a living.

So, I ironed underwear when we shot spots for a men’s underwear commercial
(no cute models were involved...just actors dressed as fruit...too bad).
I polished what seemed like a million pairs of eyeglasses for another spot.
After the tedious tasks were done, I’d get to view dailies with the director
or watch the editing being done. I actually learned a lot.

But I still felt like a fish out of water & it must have showed.
One day a photographer came to the set to do some shots for some print ads.
He was in his 30’s, which, to a girl barely in her 20’s, seemed kind of exciting.
He was confident, good looking & talented. We chatted throughout the day.
He asked if I wanted to grab some dinner when we were done.
I felt flattered & said, yes.

We ended up working into the evening, so it was a couple of hours
after he first asked me to dinner, when I finally saw him again.
He looked at me in a strange way & said that he was sorry, but he couldn’t
take me to dinner. I was disappointed, but said it was ok.
It turns out that the director (my Dad’s friend) found out
about the photographer’s plan to take me out
& suggested to him, that he change his plans.

The director made sure he but me in a cab that night. I usually took the
subway, but for some reason, he seemed concerned that I get home safely
that night. He told me, the next day, that the photographer did great work,
but on a personal level, he didn’t like the guy. He couldn’t but his finger on it,
but he thought the guy was a little bit off.

About 3 weeks later, photographer guy was arrested for holding a girl hostage
in his apartment & raping her.

I don’t know why...but I’ve never told anyone this story.

Monday, January 10, 2005

 

3 Cool Jobs I Might Be Good at:

Editor- I think I'd be great at adapting other people's work to fit
a certain format or vision.

Racecar Driver- I know I could do this! Just ask the last cop
who almost gave me a speeding ticket. He claims I was almost
airborne. (I wasn't...but I was in no position to argue.)

Personal Shopper- This has got to be one of the coolest jobs
out there. Getting to know someone's style, then finding the best
for them. If I could specialize & be a personal shoe
shopper...then...I'd really have the coolest job.

Friday, January 07, 2005

 

Want a Mail Order Husband?

This site is hysterical. Here's just a sample:
"My name is Daryl. I am 17, but will be turning 18 in September.
I figure by the time we get to know each other I will be legal tender
and we can marry. My parents are kicking me out after December
and I'd like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun.
I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not
have to touch a lot."
Oh, and there are pictures! The compatibility test alone is worth going
to the site to see. I took the test & they matched me with
Hans, a German sailor looking for a mermaid...yeah, that's me.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

 

Power Hour

First thing this morning, I opened my e-mail...& there it was:
To: Chick

The Power Hour class tomorrow morning will be at 7am.
We will be doing 40 minutes of Spin with 20 minutes of Upper Body and Abs.
Hope to see you there!

From: Wendy, the sadistic, skinny gym whore.

Um...I don't think that's going to happen...ever! Something called...
Power Hour is bad enough...but at 7 am? What planet is this skinny bitch
from anyway?! 40 minutes of spinning?! The 20 minutes of upper body
& ab work will be a breeze after I'm numb from the fucking spinning.
Have you ever taken a spinning class? I truly believe spinning teachers
must totally embrace the S&M lifestyle (not that there's anything wrong
with that). Do normal people derive pleasure from inflicting that much
pain & humiliation on unsuspecting (although willing) subjects?

Should I go?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

 

RIP

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I've had these great pair of jeans for years. They are just the right shade
of faded blue. They fit me just right. It took me years to get them this way.
They don't squeeze me in an uncomfortably way, they hug me in all the right
spots. It may be time to let them go. The bottoms are frayed
(OK, I can live with that)...but now there's a big (gaping) rip developing
nicely right below my right ass cheek.

I put them on last Saturday morning and bent down to put on my socks
(RIP)...the ass tear expanded dramatically. My first thought was...
no one will notice. My second thought was...yeah, maybe they will
and I'll be stuck out in public exposing and freezing my ass of at the same time.

So, I sadly said goodbye.

Monday, January 03, 2005

 

Thanks?

Thanks to Dick for sending me a link to an anal sex beginner's kit.

I laughed when I opened this link...at work! I'm terrified to check out

what this kit actually contains...really, I am!

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