About that shameless flirting...that I mentioned yesterday....
like I said, BG had kindly brought me to a party where I knew exactly
zero people...& left me almost immediately. He mumbled something
about going to the bar to get us a drink...then he saw is friend Shitpants
(I don’t think I caught his name) & started BSing with him...
without even an intro to the idiot bunny (me) standing next to
his Robin clad ass. Next thing I know, the tights wearing freak is gone.

I stood there for what seemed like hours. I considered all my options.
I could walk the ten or so miles home (in a bunny suit with a faulty trap door?).
I could call a cab & cry on the cabby’s shoulder about my insensitive boyfriend.
As I was thinking I’d take option number 2, I felt someone take my hand.
I instantly forgave BG...he hadn’t cruelly left me standing there at all...
but when I looked up into the face of the person whose hand I was holding,
it wasn’t BG. It was his older brother who I had previously met
for all of 3 or 4 minutes.

BG’s older brother was dressed as a cowboy. BG’s older brother looked gooood
as a cowboy. Maybe the fact that he was rescuing me from a night of distress
& gloom made him look even more attractive to me? Yep, that’s my theory
(& I’m sticking to it). My new cowboy cutie said that sometimes his brother
could be a bit of an asshole. When I didn’t disagree, he went on to tell
me some embarrassing stories about BG’s childhood. I was delighted.
Make fun of the person causing me pain...just when I need it...& I’ll love you
forever. I started having a great time. It certainly didn’t hurt that the cowboy
kept my glass full.

By the time BG graced us with his presence, about an hour & a half had slid by.
He found us in a corner booth laughing too loud & pounding the table
(I still can’t explain that).

BG didn’t look pleased. This made him angry?! He would have preferred
that I sit at the bar & be miserable & alone...he did not want me to have
a rip roaring good time with his brother? It still makes me want to smack him!
At the time, I didn’t smack him...I pinched his tights (remember? he was
dressed as Robin). I pulled his tights out & let them SMACK back into his skin.
Cowboy & I laughed till our ribs hurt & BG sulked away
...which of course made it all the more...well...funny.

I feel the need to dedicate a post to....shameless flirting.
Because it’s the shit & it’s totally not what Slutfuck is doing.
Shameless flirting is done...shamelessly...that means...no guilt & no...hiding.
Shameless flirting would be done right out there, in front of my face,
that way I could clearly see her intentions & either have fun with them....
or rip her a new one...the choice should be mine to make, in my opinion.

Pink (for some reason...the Blogger bitch won't let me link to you...
I'll try again later...& fuck you Blogger!) reminded me that,
”Shameless flirting is good for the soul,” & Cate (Blogger!!! fuck, I can't
link to you either!) thinks I’d ruin her fun if I wasn’t a fan
(of shameless flirting). Well, I am...oh yeah, I’m a fan alright.

Reminds me of the time I went to a Halloween party with The Big Goof
(Dick calls him that, anyway). He’s an old boyfriend who had the habit
of taking me places...then wandering off (usually leaving me in the midst
of strangers...yay). That’s not a smart thing to do to a Chick.
Alcohol + shyness + strangers= deadly combo for this Chick.

On this particular occasion, we were dressed as...wait...I’m laughing...
he was dressed as Robin (as in Batman & Robin...tights & all...
can you stand it?) & I was dressed as a bunny. A cutesy bunny,
not a playmate. I actually wore (out in public) blue...feetie pajamas...
with a trap door on the ass.

We get to this shindig & BG promptly leaves his bunny standing there
in her big ears & cotton tail. Lucky for me, BG had an awesomely cute brother
who came to my rescue. He was dressed as a cowboy & on that day,
Chick in a bunny suit + cute cowboy brother = major shameless flirting.

Details to come tomorrow...

Hubby & were trying to out run each other on parallel treadmills at his gym
this weekend. All of a sudden, this nice older man walked in & said to me,
“did you find your key?” I say back to him, “wha?”. I didn’t even get the ‘t’ out,
when Hubby says, "oh, that was my friend, Slutfuck”...(OK, that’s just what
I call her, you’d call her that too...if she kept calling your spouse
incessantly...even though you asked her to turn it down a notch).
Hubby scrambled out an, “this is my wife, Chick.” Nice older man (nom) said,
“Oops, sorry for the mistake, am I in trouble now?” “Nope,” I say, “but he is”
(pointing to Hubby, who finds none of this funny). Nom blurts out a,
“sorry, man” & walks away.

Yeah, I was kind of pissed that Hubby lied by omission about Slutfuck being
at the gym with him. He says that there’s nothing to tell regarding her
(hmmm...why is he ‘regarding her’ anyway?). This is an ongoing issue
in our marriage & I wish he would just put it all out there on the table
& be done with it...but that ain’t happening...yet.

What really freaked me out about the whole thing this weekend was...
being mistaken for Slutfuck. (Yeah, Nom was wearing THICK
glasses & was more or less legally blind...but still). Slutfuck is a good 5” taller
than me, she’s got dark hair & a ginormous ass. In my defense,
I was not looking my best. I had my hair stuffed under a baseball cap
& a sweatshirt tied around my waist.
Apparently, this made me look like a slutfuck ho with a 40 pound ass.

...not really the effect I was going for...

A little before Dick locked his keys in his car on Saturday, I sent him
a text message. Something innocent like “Happy Easter & happy birthday
to your son”. I was driving alone in my car & got no immediate response
from Dick & I was bored. I started thinking of the little treat I had just ordered
for myself (it was highly recommended to me...so I had to have it).
I was hoping it would be on my doorstep when I got home. Just the thought
of it made me tingle. How could a little piece of plastic do so much?
I wondered. I began making a mental list of all the possible uses I could have
for the “sexy little package” (that’s what they called it in the ad). I was curious
as to what “sensual metallic lilac” actually looked like. What do “flicker
ticklers” do..what don’t they do? All the possibilities were swirling through my
head as I was doing 80 down the highway.

Then, the phone ran. It was Dick. He was in a toy store looking for a gift
for his son. I told him that he was catching me in the middle of some erotic
mind stimulation (honesty IS the best policy, no?...but that's not exactly
how I put it). I don’t think he believed me...’cause he continued to ask
for advice on what do get his son.

What word or words do you just love?

Spumoni...just say it & you'll know why.

What word or words make you want to tear your hair
& run up and down the street with your fingers in your ears going
"Lalalalalalalala"?

Nude. Oh, how I hate this word. Nude. It’s a lecherous, leering word
& I mean that in a bad (hey, that’s your sister, you shouldn’t be thinking
about doing those things to her) kind of way.

What words do people commonly misuse that make you mad/crazy?

Irregardless (not even a word!)

What's the prettiest word you know?

Lovely. As in, isn’t Dick lovely in his new silk panties?!

What word sounds like what it means?

Cunnilungus. Don’t you agree? It just...does.

After all, 2005 has been officially chosen to honor the ancient practice,
according to The Love Goddess, Theresa...& we thank her for that.

What words soothe you?
Silk, velvet, tangerine (?!), sigh, soft, shiver, moan...


Brought to you by CheddarX

I gave blood yesterday AND I did it while I had my period.
What was I thinking?! I no longer have ANY blood in my veins.
It's true, I tried to fill that damn plastic bag with my B+ high grade
hemoglobin & I ran out of the stuff. I squeezed that little bean bag ball
till my arm fell asleep. The red stuff was flowing nicely down the little tube,
then blammo! All of a sudden, all was quite & still. As hard as I squeezed,
still nothing more came out.

The nurse just laughed when I told her my theory. She said something
along the lines of, "Lie back down, you didn't even fill half the bag."
This, from the woman who had, moments earlier, done the worst job
of finding a vein & sticking me with a blasted needle
(she tried so many times that I now look like a junky).

I didn’t know that if you can’t give a complete pint of blood...none of it is used.
It’s an all or nothing deal.

I’m sitting here, cold & bloodless today, with bruises on my arms, having failed
miserably in my attempt to do something good for humanity.

So, I'm giving up...I'm going to let people like Dick...lead the blind around
the mall...of course he failed to tell you that he thought it was funny to lead
them into stores & lie to them about where they were. He lead a business man
into Victoria’s Secret...actually told him he was wearing boxer briefs,
when actually, he was wearing these.




But in Dick's defense...aren’t they pretty?

I really don’t want Dick dead. I think something snapped in me yesterday.
I think it was one too many posts from Dick about killing wives.
Maybe, it hit me more personally than I thought. I went back & read
what I’d written & thought, damn, I WAS a bit harsh sounding, wasn’t I?
I chatted with Dick about it on the phone last night while driving home from
work. He was shocked & appalled (not really...but it sounded good).

My reaction yesterday reminds me of the time I punched my hubby with all my
might. I was sitting at my desk, writing out bills (yeah, we all just love paying
fucking bills, don’t we?)...so, needless to say, I was not enjoying myself...
then along comes hubby. He hit my elbow (too be funny?) & my pen went flying
off the paper. My first instinct was to punch him...HARD...in the arm.
He looked at me in a surprised way (I could tell he was thinking,
“um...yeah...that didn’t really hurt in the least...but...she wanted it to do some
damage”). I had surprised myself with the intensity my violent reaction.

So, a big, kissed filled sorry goes out to lovely, volunteering, vegetarian blogger
Dick...’cause as such of a Dick as he is...he’s still a good soul & I am glad he’s
actively blogging his (non existent) ass off lately.

* I’ll tell you what I think his best assets are sometime soon...
because some of you girlies out there want to know.

Dick doesn’t think I’m funny in the least. He keeps telling me that.
That only leads me to one conclusion...he’s an arrogant fuck (see below).
Yeah, he’s hysterical, sure, he’s going to get us spammed by Christian hate
groups because they are all out there Googling the coma (or comma...as he
says) woman’s name. (I didn’t want to put her name in again).

Arrogance: overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward perceived inferiors.

I’m not a big fan of arrogance. Nope, I could totally live without it forever.
I could live without the government’s arrogance in the case of this poor woman.
I mean, aren’t they in our lives enough as it is? What gives them the right
to have any say at all over if this woman lives or dies? Isn’t it arrogant
to use a dying woman for your own political gain?

I haven’t met Dick’s girlfriend yet...but she made the right choice last night.
Sleep over arrogant Dick...yeah...sometimes it comes down to that.

Disclaimer: Dick knows that I call him an arrogant prick...
in the most loving of ways.

This song is making me laugh my ass off today. I wish I knew the tune...
I'd be singing it all day! Previously, I said that I wanted to stop hiding
my weirdess, here's the first small step.
Oh...how I wish I'd written this...

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and carlots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shout it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stickshifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would endulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and buldge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle my chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on french verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Poolhalls and potholes and bottles and bitches...

Zucchinies and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and gratoes,
And mellons and marshmellows...

Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.

Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai

Since I didn’t feel right about taking Dick’s quiz below...due to the fact
that I don’t actually have my own penis...I took another quiz...
because it’s been awhile & I felt the need:

You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself...

I'm actively trying to change that last part ; )

Funny what you notice sometimes, isn’t it?

While driving to work this morning, I stopped at a red light & saw
the scene of a traffic accident in the oncoming lane.

A man had just rear-ended (I’m giggling) a woman (with his car...even better).
A state patrolman stood there, behind them, writing out an accident report.
The woman in the car that had been hit was sitting in the driver’s seat
of her car with the door open. On her lap sat a baby. What struck me as odd,
was the fact that the woman was blowing soap bubbles into the air & the baby
was laughing.

I smiled as I drove away thinking that it wasn’t so odd after all.
Here was someone who truly ‘gets what it’s all about’.

(Hopefully, that’s the closest I’ll ever come to a sermon here
in blogland...someone get me a tissue.)

Less than a year ago, I was in Ireland.
I'd never been there before & I was excited.
My husband didn't want to go so, I went with
one of my sisters. I asked Dick if he wanted
to join us (he's always telling me that's the one place
he's wanted to travel). He didn't take me up on my offer.
It would have been a blast if he'd have come along...
but he didn't & I hope he's still kicking himself in the ass about it.

We traveled all along the wild Irish coast. The photo I've posted
was taken on our first day. The roads were narrow & my brain
was having a hell of a time getting used to driving a Citroen
on the wrong side of the road. More than a couple of times
we almost tumbled to our deaths coming around a crazy turn
...in the wrong lane...into oncoming traffic...& by traffic I mean
a Guinness truck (they were EVERYWHERE). You have to love
a country that has twice as many pubs as they do churches
...& they have ALLOT of churches.

They say that everywhere you travel...that place becomes a part of you
...know I know what they mean.

My Monday morning IM chat with Alex. Alex is a super cool guy I met
briefly at a work related seminar  in Philly last year. We chatted about
work related stuff, then went out separate ways. Then we started IMing
each other strictly about work stuff.
Somewhere along the way, work issues were totally thrown out the window.

Alex: Good morning sunshine - how was your
weekend?

Chick: Hello, Alex.

Insert boring stuff about both our weekends, here.

Chick: Did you have a nice birthday?

Alex: Yes, but I didn't get what I really wanted from my girlfriend.

Chick: not getting it daily, huh?

Alex: a couple times a week at best.

Chick: a couple times a week? That's better than what I get...

Alex: I'm a pretty horny guy...
Alex: I would be happier with at least 4 times a week or so...
Alex: ...or 10!

Chick: : 10?...now that's a lofty goal. I think, my magic number would be...6.
Chick: on the 7th day...we'd rest.

Alex: lol... like god.

Chick: exactly.

from God...to toys...how did THAT happen?

Alex: Do you ever use toys?
Alex: too personal?

Chick: by toys...you mean...exactly?

Alex: oh, sex toys.

Chick: I know!
Chick: What kind are you talking about?

Alex: lol
Alex: vibrators.

Chick: I didn't think you were talking about...LEGOS!

Alex: lol.... well, you never know - some people love legos!

Chick said something here...but it's been deleted...because, she's now
embarrassed about actually saying something like that.

Alex: fun stuff

Chick: fun for you...because you get involved, huh?
Chick: or...is that...too personal?

Alex: fun because there's no bigger turn on than watching a woman
orgasm.
Alex: and it just adds another fun twist to an already wonderful event
Alex: and no, nothing is too personal for you to ask me,

Chick: : a fun twist...hmmm.

Alex: indeed... definitely worth adding.

Chick: what kind?

Alex: I like the smaller ones that leave room for other activities to
occur simultaneously.
Alex: there's a little egg shaped one that works well for that.

Chick: got a site for that?

Alex: let me check
Alex:: I just like using it on her...although if it's not too graphic,
while using the egg shaped one on her clit if I'm inside, the vibrations
feel good for me too.
Alex:too much information?

Chick: : no... just the opposite... I need to know where I can get one.
Chick: if you find a site...e-mail me.
Chick: because I couldn't view the site at work anyway.

Alex: I think the one we got is made by penthouse, but we just bought
it at the friendly neighborhood love pantry.

Chick: um...what's a love pantry?

Alex: a sex toy shop,

Chick: gotcha
Chick: I'll have to scout out a local love pantry...
Chick: I have no idea where there might be one.

Alex: here's a link to one that looks similar to what I'm talking about:
http://www.nysexshop.com/4301sxa.htm

Chick: damn it...I accidentally clicked on that...
Chick: now some idiot guy in IT's gonna know I'm sex toy shopping.

Well, Dick's been prolific in his writing lately
(& he thought he had nothing to say).

Child custody, ex's, bowling balls, things that are pink,
current girlfriends, Yodels, movies...oh yeah...
the topics are eclectic & endless. Hell, he's even started
a few blogger courtships with some of the cool girlie friends
I've been getting to know in blogland. Good for you, Dick.

Anyone out there interested in March Madness?
It's the third year in a row I've joined a college basketball pool
(2 years ago I came in third place & won big bucks...which is pretty incredible...'cause my only knowledge on the subject comes from watching
the 2 hour ESPN preview show.) Anyone out there willing to help me out here
will earn my bottomless (maybe, endless is a better choice of words here?) gratitude.

Happy Monday...can I go home now?

WYSIWYG {wiz'-ee-wig}: adj.- (1) "What You See Is What You Get";
(2) A monthly showcase of readings & performances by BLOGGERS.

One of these days, I am going to HAVE to check this out! How bizarre is that??
I mean that in a totally creative, funny & I wish I'd thought of that
(but I wouldn't have dreamed something like this up in a million years)
kind of way.

You gotta check this out.

Should I call Dick out on this one, or let it be? I
hate the whole stereotype of “women can’t get along
with each other”...it drives me crazy. The fact is, I
do have slightly more male friends than female
friends, but that might be due to the fact that I’ve
always worked with mostly men. It’s funny, along with
the goals of loving my job & doing my best, the other
goal I always have in any job is, finding a girlfriend
where I work. someone to go to lunch with. Someone to tell
me how much she loves my outfit & killer shoes. I find this to be,
usually, easier said than done. In my previous place of employment,
which Dick & I shared, our department was filled with about
45 men & three women (myself included). The two other
women had poles stuck so far up their asses, that they
couldn’t stop being uptight...ever. They’d literally
needed a written apology every time someone uttered
the dreaded word “fuck”. They’d say things to me like,
“That Dick, he certainly uses the f word a lot & that
isn’t right”(...seriously, they’d say things like that
to me). I don’t know what kind of response they were
expecting from me...but what they got was me laughing
till I had to pee & asking them what the fuck they
meant by ‘the f word”. They never laughed with me
(they didn’t appreciate the joke, sad, right? OK, it
wasn’t that funny, but it amused me...).

So, I seem to have contradicted myself by proving the
exact opposite of the whole “women can’t get along”
thing. But I still don’t believe it has to be true. The women
in blogland certainly do not seem to have poles up their asses
(& if they do, they seem to enjoy having them there). I love women
& appreciate most of them more than I can say. I look for similar
things in my women friends as I do it my male friends...someone
who knows how to laugh, whether it’s appropriate, or not, someone
I can trust & tell my secrets to (of course, they have to tell me theirs...
& secrets involving sex earn extra special bonus points).

Thanks to Dick, for the compliment...& it was a doozie...
I give him hope for the female species?
Sometimes, I’d have to say...yeah, baby...right back at you ; )

Sorry, but Dick just doesn’t get it. That first sentence of your last post proves
that. Rape?! That is definitely NOT hot. No, not in any way. Maybe, he
didn’t see the movie? I don’t want to get on my high horse and talk about that
subject...so I won’t. In the movie, he did not rape her...that wouldn’t have been
hot in any way. He used persuasion to get her over her hesitation, because he
knew she wanted to be there...that’s one of the reasons it was so hot. He kind of
knew what she wanted (of course he wanted it too...goes without saying)
before she did.

Dick started talking about Yodels...& I thought he was headed for The Swiss
Alps. I really thought he was talking about yodeling (I’m still laughing).
I thought he had some strange fondness for yodeling, that it somehow made
him feel better. OK, I get the connection of chocolate & sex...I totally do...but
what’s the connection with crappy junk food ( Yodels?!) & sex...that connection
I do not get. Who, in their right mind, would compare sex to 20 pieces of
chocolate covered crap?...Not me.

Movie scenes, huh? Do you want touching...or hot? How about touchingly hot?
The first thing that came to my mind was the first sex scene in Unfaithful. You know, the scene where Diane Lane walks out of Olivier Martinez’s killer apartment...because she doesn’t think she has it in her to cheat on her husband...then has to go back because she forgot her coat. When she comes back into the apartment, he grabs her & sorts of hugs her all the way to the bed.
He kisses her & she shakes uncontrollably (so absolutely hot). He is all sly, playful looks & dark hair. He kisses her stomach & looks up at her with a luscious smile. Her proceeds to slowly remove her panties...but not her shoes. Yeah, that, right there is key. (Keep those hot shoes on, Olivier...I’m beginning to think you really know what you’re doing). When she flakes out again & says that she doesn’t know how to do this (cheat on her husband)...he says, “hit me”...she’s shocked...but he convinces her to do it. She hits him & he grabs her hands...& well...unfortunately, the rest is left to our sweet imaginations.

OK, I have to go NOW.

Two posts...in a row. I do believe that is a record
for the ever endearing, Dick. Yeah, I’ll change the
“mosty Chick” heading. I’ll change it to “mostly Dick”
when it happens to be true. But it ain’t true yet.
Don’t you agree?

Dick’s post on how we met was...unexpectedly sweet.
But that pretty much sums him up in a nutshell. Dick’s
the kind of guy who will say anything to anybody. He’s
the kind of guy you love or...totally don’t get.
Either you like his goofiness or you don’t. Obviously,
you know which side I’m on.

Yeah, Dick & I met at job years ago. We hit it off
right away. Like I said, Dick doesn’t hold much back
about his personality & either you dig that or you
don’t. I remember (foolishly) telling him that I liked
this other guy where we worked (Dick called him a big
goof in his post). Well, my birthday happened to be
coming up & the next thing you know, I get a huge
bouquet of flowers sent to me anonymously at work. I’m
not one to take anything for granted & I have no idea
who sent the flowers. Dick just laughed when I asked
him if he knew who they were from. Later in the day BG
(big goof) strolls past me with a shit eating grin on
his face asking how I liked the flowers. I mumbled
something about loving them & immediately went to find
Dick. I asked him if he had EVER said anything to BG
about the fact that I liked him (I think, officially, we
sunk back to grade school levels at this point).
Again, all Dick did was laugh uncontrollably.

I ended up dating BG for almost a year after that.
Not a great choice on my part...but Dick was no help.

2 text messages & 2 cell phone conversations later...I've succeeded
in bringing Dick back. This might be a limited engagement,
we'll just have to see how it goes.

Yeah...I'm glad Dick's back. Just be forewarned, he'll be lying if he says
that he broke my heart. Dick's got a warped sense of humor.
That's one of the things that I like best about him...but sometimes
he carries it too far. What I am trying to say, in a nice way is,
he's going to change parts of the story because he thinks that's funny
(like the time he tried to post as me...but I deleted it...by the way...
still NOT FUNNY).

That being said, I'll let him write his version of how we met,
then maybe I'll write my version.

OK...how bored (not to mention...silly) do you actually have to be to...
create yourself out of Legos?!

Go here & try it yourself ; )

See what I've resorted to because Dick's not showing up here yet?!